Em RRRRRR Eye

I had my MRI this morning to get my toomah checked out. 

Um, y'all.  Having an MRI is not at all fun.  I'm not claustrophobic, but I think if I ever have to have one again I will lie and tell them I am so they can sedate me for the whole blasted thing.

For those of you who have never had one, they are very concerned about whether you have any metal in your body or if your kidneys aren't any good.  They asked me at the oncologist's office before they called the hospital to schedule my MRI.  The hospital called and asked me.  An MRI tech called me and asked me.  They had me fill out a buttload of forms this morning and asked me multiple times.  The tech doing the MRI asked me several more times.  And miraculously with all of my falls and broken bones, I have no metal parts.  And I didn't get stuck in the machine (it's a magnet, y'all) so I guess no one has managed to sneak anything metal in me that I didn't know about.

Anyway, they sent me in a dressing room and had me put on two hospital gowns because just one isn't awful enough and told me to walk down the hall a little ways and put my stuff in a locker and have a seat.

I suppose it's because the MRI place is in the same office I normally go every year for my mammogram or something, but I just stupidly assumed that it would be all women back in the waiting area.

So I pranced down the hall to the lockers with my humongous bra (I'm a 44DD) hanging over my arm and there was an older man I would guess was in his 70s sitting there staring with his mouth hanging open.  His wife sitting next to him gave me a major stink eye.  And you know it couldn't have been a boring old white bra that I decided to put on this morning.  Or a tan bra.  Or even a black bra with a little lace.  Red would have even been okay.  Oh no!  This is the bra I was wearing today and I am not kidding. 

Nope, it was a HUGE bright orange bra with giant bright purple polka dots and purple stripes and I was just walking down the hall with it like I was cool. I quickly stuffed everything in a locker and luckily there was a half-wall separating the area where the older couple was sitting and another waiting area and I sat away from them.  I didn't want to get the stink eye from that lady for even one more second.

As I waited for my tech to come back, another tech brought a jar of something for the man to drink.  The tech told him as soon as he drank it they would take him back.  He took a couple of swigs and then I heard him ask his wife, "Hey!  Do you wanna drink part of this for me so I can get started sooner?  This crap is terrible!"  I then had a horrid feeling that I was going to have to drink a jar of nasty stuff too.

Thankfully, I did not have to drink a jar of nasty stuff.

My tech took me back and got me set up on the table and explained that I had to not move a muscle for 45 minutes while I was in a tiny tunnel with something that sounded like two jack hammers and a bunch of buzzing and beeping going on around me.  That sounded like a ton of fun, and I'm here to tell you that she described it to an absolute tee.  I had a pad thing with a velcro strap secured TIGHTLY around my stomach/pelvis area, a rolled up towel under my knees, my hands were straight up in the air over my head, I had towels over both arms, a blanket on me and earplugs stuck in each ear.  And I was wearing two hospital gowns and black socks.  I've never felt sexier in my life.

They raise the table and then you go sliding into the tunnel and when you are a bigger person like me, let's just say there isn't much spare room around you.  They put you through a series of scans.  Some are a minute and a half and some are five minutes and those five minutes feel like they last five days.  There is buzzing and clunking and beeping, and there is a part where the tech comes over the loudspeaker and says you have to hold your breath for 30 seconds because all of the other stuff you're going through isn't bad enough.

After about 30 minutes of that which seemed like 30 years, she brought me back out of the machine.  Then she tied a really tight rubber band around each arm looking for a good vein because I had to have an MRI with contrast dye and they give it to you through an IV.  My left shoulder still gets really stiff when I have it in one position for any length of time from when I broke my humerus and got a rotator cuff impingement from being immobile for 3 months.  So it felt really good to get to move my arm again.  But as soon as she gave me the contrast dye and then a flush of saline, it was back into the machine.

She told me I only had one more scan to get through and that I was doing a terrific job of not moving and not freaking the hell out from being in that tube for so long.  So obviously as soon as the scan started the worst tickle in my throat started at the same time.  Y'all, I tried so hard not to cough but I couldn't hold it in and I started coughing my fool head off.  The scan kept going and I kept on coughing.

I kept apologizing and she kept telling me I was doing great.  She then came running in, quickly got the table out of the tube, yanked on my arm to sit me up and was afraid I was having an allergic reaction to the contrast dye.  She kept checking the IV site and my neck to see if I was turning red, asking me if my throat was closing up, etc.  I told her I simply had a tickle in my throat but she made me sit there with her for 15 minutes and drink a bunch of water to make sure I was okay.  She told me that even with all of the coughing I did, I managed to not move my stomach and pelvic area too much so the scan was okay and she didn't have to do it again.  Thank you, God!

Anyway, the radiologist will read the MRI, send a report to my doctor and hopefully I will know something in the next 48 - 72 hours.

I will not freak out.  I will not freak out.  I will not freak out.  I will not freak out.