I'm a grown up. How did THAT happen? Damn it.

This is the story of how shoe inserts became a gigantic pain in my butt and how they wasted hours of my life I will never get back.

Once upon a time, there was an overweight lady who worked a second job at a paint studio for 5 years where she stood on concrete floors for about 6 hours per shift, 3 or 4 times per week, and she stupidly did it in flip flops.  The overweight lady developed plantar fasciitis that is so painful at times she can barely stand up.  Or walk.  Tears are often involved.

She went to Target earlier this week to buy a new coffee maker and bought some Walkfit Premium shoe inserts when she was there.  (Because the overweight lady can never go to Target to buy one thing and not walk out with several more things.)  They also have a cool buggy escalator so she always goes upstairs to look around and ends up buying stuff from up there even if she doesn't need a damn thing upstairs.  Because the overweight lady is, well, she's kind of a dork.

But the overweight lady doesn't put Scott toilet paper in her buggy.  She's an Angel Soft lady.

She took her new coffee maker and Walkfit Platinum shoe inserts home (along with her paper plates, crock pot liners, and face cleanser that she also had not planned to buy) and the next morning she put her Walkfit inserts into her Alegria shoes.  She has three pairs of theses shoes and wears them every single day even though they are not very cute.  But they seem to help the tiniest bit with her pain.

Now you might notice something right away but the overweight lady had to learn it for herself as she almost tripped and fell down on concrete as a start to her Tuesday morning and that is that by the time she got halfway from her front door down the driveway headed to her garage, there was a big ass problem.  The inserts don't stay in these shoes.  No.  They start falling right out of the back BECAUSE THEY ARE OPEN HEELED SHOES DUMB OVERWEIGHT LADY.  

So the dumb overweight lady put the inserts in her purse and went to work.  She put them in her shoes when she sat at her desk which obviously didn't do much but she hoped her feet would get used to the feel of them even if she couldn't walk around with them in her shoes.  Plus, the instructions say to start off only wearing them for one hour the first day, two hours the next day, etc. because if not you will curse like a sailor and throw them in the garbage because they will hurt your feet like a mofo.  Okay, maybe the overweight lady exaggerated that last part of their instructions just a bit.   Walkfit possibly said it a little more kindly.  It was more of a suggestion.

Tuesday night she left work and went to DSW to buy some shoes with closed heels.  So now the plantar fasciitis has cost her years of pain, $360 for three pairs of Alegria shoes because nurses swear by them since they are on their feet all day (but after wearing very little else for 3 or 4 years the overweight lady still lives with pain), $19.95 for Walkfit Platinum shoe inserts, and whatever the cost would be of a new pair of shoes with closed heels because the overweight lady has no other comfortable shoes to use them in.

The overweight lady tried on approximately 43057843058 pairs of shoes and even resorted to trying on Van's skater sneakers which are hardly acceptable for her line of work at a law firm, but she was going to wear them anyway.  Damn it.  The problem is that the overweight lady has very un-lady like feet.  She already wears a size 10 or 11.  I know.  Bless her heart.  The Walkfit Platinum insert instructions also say that you should not wear them in tight fitting shoes because if you do you will curse like a sailor and throw them in the garbage because they will hurt your feet like a mofo.  Again, perhaps the overweight lady exaggerated just a bit.  

The Walkfit inserts take up a lot of room in a pair of shoes.  And it's hard to find women's shoes in a size bigger than 11 in a normal shoe store.  The other issue the overweight lady has is that she has narrow heels.  A few of the shoes fit with the inserts but they were about two sizes too big in the heel so she might have helped her plantar fasciitis, but then she would have to live with heel blisters.  She would be off on the wrong foot again.  Shooting herself in the foot.  Taking a step backwards.  So after she tried on the 43057843058 pairs of shoes with the insert, the overweight lady discovered that there were no shoes that would work for her.  Two employees were asked, but they could offer no help.

The overweight lady left feeling very defeated and went home.

On Wednesday, the overweight lady decided she would have to spend another small fortune on another pair of Alegria shoes that have closed heels.  She went online to find local retailers and discovered the Belk's at the mall a couple of blocks from her office carried them and although the overweight lady really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hates going to a mall, she decided to go after work.  

She tried on this style:

And she tried on this style:

 

And guess what happened?

She asked for the same size she's been wearing for the past 3 or 4 years which are very loose and yet with the inserts, these would not fit on her foot.

And then guess what happened?

The salesman made the overweight lady realize something:

SHE IS A COMPLETE MORON!!!!!!

Because guess what?  Just guess.

The inserts that are already in Alegria shoes to make them all supportive and comfortable and stuff for people who are on their feet all day, COME OUT OF THE SHOES.

They just come right out.

So guess what else?

When the overweight lady waited for the salesman to walk off for a second, she took the inserts out of the shoes she already has and it makes the shoes have a little lip at the back and the inserts don't fly out of the back of the open heeled shoes.

The overweight lady has had her Walkfit Platinum inserts in her shoes this morning (the shoes she already had) and has walked around the office a bit and they haven't fallen out of her shoes even once.

So instead of spending $120 on a new pair of shoes, she ordered this online this morning:

A pressure washer.

I think when a lady buys a pressure washer instead of new shoes it means she's totally screwed up and let herself become a responsible adult.  One with filthy dirty siding on her house.

Me and a pressure washer.  This should be interesting.