My ass got rubbed by a woman. I painted a bride's face. And I took way more photos than I planned on of a super hot cop.

Imma catch y'all up on the craziness that has been going on over the past few days.

Last Wednesday night I went out to dinner with some girls I worked with at a previous job.  I had forgotten how much we used to laugh when we spent time together.  I think we're going to try and get together once a month or so.  We covered a lot of topics and, as these types of get togethers go, we discussed some of the more interesting people we worked with.

And at the top of the list was a "lady" I will call Jay.  "Lady" in quotes because we were not convinced she was really a she.  And Jay because her name began with J but Jay would have been a better name for her than the rather girlie name she had.  She was the size of a linebacker, y'all.  Nothing about her was feminine - her size, her face, her voice, or her personality.  A friend of mine who worked with us has very nice calves and she wears skirts or dresses most of the time.  She was standing in the copy room one day and Jay walked in.  Jay got down on one knee and rubbed her hands up and down my friend's calves and told her how hot she was.  Another friend was in the copy room one day and had a skirt on with a slit up the side.  It wasn't a slutty slit, it was a professional slit.  Jay ran her hands up and down her thigh and said, "You know men like a girl with meaty thighs, right?"  And one day we were at a group lunch for someone's birthday and as much as I didn't want to, I wound up sitting next to Jay.  We were sitting in ladder back chairs and suddenly I felt her hand rubbing all over my bum through the opening in the chair.  I leaned over and whispered to the person on the other side of me, "Please scoot over.  Jay is rubbing my ass."  Sadly, it did not seem to be a surprise statement.  We scooted over.  Jay scooted over.  We could only scoot so far so I just let Jay rub my ass during lunch that day and somehow managed to never sit next to her again. But her first week there she told my two friends I had dinner with last week that she had helped her horny dog by giving him, um, you know, manual assistance.  Y'all!  Seriously!  It's bad enough she did it but keep that kind of weirdness to yourself.

Thursday was not fun.  I was just slammed with work so I couldn't blog.  And Friday was more of the same.  I got to work an hour late because I went early for an oil change and to get a headlight replaced in my car and they told me I needed new brakes - front and back.  So the $65 I expected to spend turned into almost $350.  He told me my rear brakes were at 2%.  I told him that didn't sound good at all.  "No, it's not. But your front brakes are worse.  They're at 1%."  And then he showed me that one pad was separating and about to fall right off of my car which probably would have been kind of bad.  So Karen, be glad my brake pad didn't fall off when I was driving you around Atlanta last weekend!

Now get ready for a lot of pictures.  Because Saturday was the L5P Halloween Parade. 

My neighbor and her daughter asked me if I would do their makeup for them so they came over to my house and we got ready.

Here I am with the zombie daughter:

And here is her mom, who says she's a good witch.  You can't really see it in this photo, but she had a spider web off one eye and a black widow spider on one cheek:

Here's a close up of how my makeup turned out for showtime as opposed to the practice version y'all saw recently:

 And off we went with some other people to L5P for the day.  The parade was so much fun!  This was my second year going.  They estimate about 35,000 people attend and that sounds about right because it is packed with people in the area.  It's not a kid's parade and sometimes the families from the 'burbs come down and they are appalled.  And we laugh at them because if you're in Atlanta you should know L5P is not going to be a kid's parade.  My neighbors are friends with the owners of a bar so we get a table and camp there for the afternoon and evening to watch football and watch the parade when we aren't busy watching all of the awesome people.

There was an awesome dog wearing wings:

When I was first taking pictures of the crowd, I realized I also happened to take a picture of the super hot police officer who was working crowd control right where we happened to be standing:

Seriously.....let's crop in a little closer and check his cute self out:

As the parade started, people moved in front of me and I ended up just holding my phone up over people's heads and taking photos not knowing what on earth was going to end up in them.  Turns out the cute cop ended up in a whole bunch of them.  That's okay with me.

Hi scary dude with pointy ears.  And oh, hello Officer McHottie:

Here comes Godzilla!  And hello again, Officer McHottie:

Hi random parade people who I don't remember what you were representing.  And could it be?  Is that also Officer McHottie?:

Disco is dead.  But Officer McHottie is very, very much alive.  And well:

Grunge and Mumford are also dead.  But Officer McHottie is still alive and kicking!:

I don't know who this is made of cardboard boxes.  But, wait!  Where is Officer McHottie???:

Oh good.  Here he is!

This was one of my favorite parts of the parade (besides Officer McHottie).  The building across the street with the black awning is the Corner Tavern.  They recently had a fire so their parade float was a fire truck.  SO AWESOME:

I think Officer McHottie liked it too.  The girl dressed up as a firefighter made me laugh until my stomach hurt:

Some cool band but I don't remember their name.  And Officer McHottie:

Clearly these photos are in no order whatsoever because here is another cardboard box character.  And Officer McHottie.  And neighbor's daughter is the little blonde.  She had given up on her zombie wig:

Seriously Officer McHottie.  Did you get in 95% of my photos or what?

Yes.  Yes, he did:

I almost missed him, but the guy with the batman pants and the yellow thing on top of his head is a guy I've talked about before.  It's Baton Bob and I adore him:

These creatures are some of my favorites:

I think Officer McHottie agrees with me:

And I think these creatures agree with me that Officer McHottie is hot.  This one came over and hugged all over him.  Get your voluptuous hot pink breasts off my man's head!

This is the Seed & Feed Marching Abominable Band:

 

WAIT JUST A MINUTE!  Another creature wants to hug all over my man, Officer McHottie?

I don't think I approved of this:

 

Goodbye, Officer McHottie.  Until we meet again.....

We then went back into the bar and hung out for a couple of more hours.

And thank goodness we did or I might have missed Hulk Hogan in the flesh!  Lots and lots of flesh:

This random girl was sitting quietly with her friends at the table next to us and suddenly she jumped up and started flapping her cape/wing things.  And just as soon as she started it was over and she sat back down.  And I still don't know what made her jump up and do a 10 second flapping show but here it is (and please ignore my neighbor stuffing food in her mouth):

 

As she sat back down she turned and looked at me and said, "I wanted to be what you are but instead I am this."  

I had 4 people come up and ask if they could take photos with me, y'all.  

But eventually we decided to leave so we were all paying our tabs and then my neighbors wandered off for who knows what - one went to one part of the bar, the other went outside, and so I sat at the table with a couple of our other friends waiting for them and their daughter since I rode with them.

Little did I know that the best part of the entire day was about to happen.

My neighbor came stampeding in the door (no, really - she was actually stampeding) and she had a couple right behind her.  She walked up to our table and flung her arms out in a very dramatic fashion and said loudly, "I'VE BROUGHT US SOME NEW PEOPLE!"

 And oh she had.

She told us they had just gotten married the day before and they were celebrating their honeymoon.  At the L5P Halloween Parade.  Let that just sink in and settle in your brain for a minute.

And y'all, I am not sure if I've ever looked at a couple and thought they were more mismatched than this couple was.  He had half of his face tattooed, with dreadlocks and a long goatee.  She looked very plain jane with her hair in a bun, wire framed glasses, not a bit of makeup on her face and looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

The other two friends sitting at the table with me just stared at them so I decided to try and make conversation:

"Y'all just got married yesterday?  Congratulations!"

If y'all come to the party on Saturday I will have to demonstrate their accents because there is absolutely no way to write the way this couple talked.  At first I honest to goodness thought my neighbor was playing a joke on us.  Or that Candid Camera was right around the corner filming us or something.  Seriously.  There is really no sense in me writing out the conversation because the accents are what made the entire thing so side splittingly funny.  I could not even look at my neighbor when I was talking with this couple because I knew I would burst out laughing.  But please remind me on Saturday because it was the most hysterical thing I've experienced in a long, long time.

They were absolutely as sweet as they could be but the minute they opened their mouths I thought I was on a set being filmed in a sequel of Sling Blade.

Before I knew it, the bride asked me if I would do her face up to look just like mine.

Um.  No.  I will not.  

I told her my makeup took over an hour to do and we were about to leave.  So she asked me if I would just put polka dots all over her face.  But first she wanted to know how much I charge.  Ha!  She was completely blown away when I told her I would do it for free.

And that's how I ended up sitting in a bar in L5P after a parade dressed up as a pop art character and putting polka dots all over a brand new bride's face