My mom is full of great ideas. Or not.

Last Monday, I shoved my mom in my car and peeled rubber out of my driveway because I couldn't get out of Atlanta fast enough.

Then we stopped 5 minutes up the road from my house and ate breakfast.  But THEN we got the heck out of town.

We jumped on I-75 and kept going like we remembered how to get to a place we had been to only once before 2 years prior. 

Then I turned around and went back a few exits and got on 575 like we were supposed to.

Getting lost is kinda my specialty.

We drove a couple of hours and entered the mountains.  Or as I like to call it:  heaven.  I posted at some point about the last time my mom and I went to Blue Ridge, Ga. for a couple of days and we had a cabin deep in the woods and how we were scared to death our first night out there 4 miles down a dirt path into the forest.  But after spending 2.4 seconds looking for it to link to that post, I have given up.

This time I found a place to rent right smack dab in the center of downtown Blue Ridge.  Tee, we were three floors above Christy Lee's since you're familiar with Blue Ridge.  As we were parking and walking into the rental office to check in and get the keys, my mom saw a cute little car zipping around town.  It was an antique convertible car and it was advertising a restaurant called Black Sheep. 

I hate that stupid car with it's stupid advertising and the stupid, stupid Black Sheep. 

We stopped at our suite where my mom ooh'ed and aah'ed over all of the extra special touches like the fancy air freshener in the bathroom.  Seriously.  She said for 2 days that she wants to find that air freshener.  I think I'm going to order her some for Christmas and I can't wait to tell her the websites I just found it on:  stupid.com, GagGifts.com and PerpetualKid.com.  I'm not even joking.  That's where I found it and she thought it was fancy stuff.  It talks about Abe Lincoln's logs y'all.

Anyway, after we discussed covering up any foul smelling poop we may deposit while staying in our suite, we jumped back on the elevator and went next door to a quaint little coffee shop where my mom asked the guy working the counter about that stupid Black Sheep.  He told her it was a new place, that it's good, he would recommend it, and then my mom asked how to get there.

The guy drew her a little map and she asked if it was within walking distance and the guy said, "Well, that depends on what you consider walking distance.  I would definitely drive but it is possible to walk there." 

We had our coffee (and possibly a cookie too since we were on vacation) and then we walked through half of downtown Blue Ridge to shops and stuff. 

My mom suggested we go out for an early dinner and then we would have our evening to chill out in our suite. 

My mom decided we should try the stupid Black Sheep.

My mom decided we would walk.

If I didn't have really bad plantar fasciitis in both feet and she wasn't suffering from severe pain due to the fact that she is only putting off a hip replacement because she wants to get through the holidays first, it might have been a lovely little walk of about a mile or more.

But instead, we were both close to tears by the time we got there because our pain was so great after walking through a ton of shops, standing all afternoon, and then walking to the stupid Black Sheep.

So when a girl came out and said the following to us, I wanted to punch her right in the nose:

"Are you with Coldwell Banker, ladies?"

"Um, no," I replied.

"I'm sorry but we're closed for a private event this evening." 

Right then I wanted to tell her I was just kidding and I was the owner of f*ucking Coldwell Banker. My mom and I later discussed how bad we felt about the 'why don't you just eat shit and die' look we each gave her when she said that.

My mom looked at me and said, "You have GOT to be kidding me."

And off we went to walk back to town.

About 32.4 seconds into the walk back to town I asked my mom if she didn't want to sit down.  She said her hip was actually moving kind of good at that moment and she needed to keep going.  And I gave her a 'why don't you just eat shit and die' look from behind that she doesn't even know about because my feet were making me want to scream and cry in pain.  I sucked it up and kept moving.

We decided we would try to make it back to the restaurant right under our suite so we wouldn't have far to walk after dinner and could go right upstairs and cry our little pain filled hearts out.

By the time we got there, I honestly wanted to chop my feet off they hurt so much.  And I reached out to the door handle of the restaurant, and.....

THEY WERE F*UCKING CLOSED!

I think I actually said right to my mom's face, "You have got to be f*ucking kidding me!" without the asterisk and she didn't even get mad because she probably wanted to say bad words too.

Luckily, we discovered there was another restaurant next door and we crawled on our hands and knees over to it and then we asked the hostess if she could find a cart to roll us to a table.

As we were eating, a couple sat down at the table next to us.  The lady had apparently gone to the worst hair colorist in all of America and my mom and I tried not to laugh out loud.  Then an old man came in with 3 old ladies and sat right across from me.  He had totally white hair that was blown out straight, it was collar length, and it was all slicked back and hair sprayed so much it was never going to move.  That wasn't even the worst part.  No, the worst part was his completely white, super bushy mustache that looked like it was only attached in the center point right under his nose and so the rest of it just kind of bopped around in the air loosely and he was sitting so that I was looking directly at the side of his head.  So I had to watch his mustache bopping around and going down into his wine glass whenever he took a sip, and I honestly was about to pee myself I was laughing so hard at him.

And that was just the first day in the mountains, y'all.