Moby Dick

So now I'll share with y'all my ridiculous battle with the water department.  If we're friends on Facebook, you've already heard a bit of it, but here's the entire stupid, insane story.

Last Monday when I checked my mail, I had an envelope from the water department.  And for those of you in the Atlanta area, if you ever watch the local news you already know just how messed up the City of Atlanta's water department is since there is a story on the news almost every week about them for the past 10 years (at least). 

When you open an account with the City of Atlanta for water service, you have to drive downtown to city hall, get a number, sit in a run-down waiting area, fill out an application, and then wait to be called for someone to enter everything in their system and tell you if you've been approved or not.  Yes.  YOU HAVE TO APPLY IN PERSON and they only have one location for this circa 1972 way of doing business.  Who does that anymore?  The City of Atlanta does.  And it's the dumbest thing ever.

When I lived in my last apartment before buying my house, I was in the city limits so I had done this ridiculous applying in person back in 2003.  I had to take a half-day off work to get water service.  I was miraculously able to transfer service to my house when I bought it without appearing in person, but I had to have my closing attorney fax a copy of a bunch of paperwork to them to prove I had bought my house.  No other utility company required that, but the City of Atlanta water did.  Because they are ludicrous.  But not cool Ludacris, the rapper.

So I've lived in my house for 2.5 years and I've gotten a bill every month from the water department and my other utilities and I've paid what they told me to pay because I've grown to enjoy having lights, a/c, and to be able to flush my toilets and stuff.

But last Monday I had an envelope from the City of Atlanta water people and it was addressed to "Customer" because they like to personalize stuff apparently and it had my address with "Unit B" added to it.  And it was a label that had been cut from a piece of paper and taped on the front of the envelope very professionally with all of their state of the art office technology.  And then it had a fancy bright yellow star burst design with red letters in all caps saying "IMPORTANT MESSAGE REGARDING YOUR WATER SERVICE!"  I figured they were raising their rates again even though we already have some of the highest water and sewer rates in the whole entire country.

But that's not what it was.  The first line said, "We'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you as a new customer to the Atlanta Water System."  Um.  Thanks, City of Atlanta but I think your letter is a bit tardy since I've been a customer for 11 years.

The second sentence said, "To convenience you, we have left the water and or [no slash in between] sewer service active for your home."  Then it said, "However, it is vital that you immediately make the necessary application for service in your name."

It went on to tell me that they STILL MAKE YOU APPLY IN PERSON at City Hall.  I received the notice on March 10th and was told if I didn't apply in person by the 12th my service would be shut off.  What the what?

I called the next morning and a customer service rep answered.  I was very polite and told her I needed to straighten out an odd situation and I told her how I've lived in my single-family home for 2.5 years and how I've been a customer of theirs for 11 years and I wanted to make sure they would get this fixed and not turn my water off.

"You live in a duplex," she responded after looking up my account.

"No, I do not."

"Yes you do.

"No I don't."  Because we are 5-years-old.

"We show it's a duplex."

"It's not a duplex.  It USED TO BE a duplex, but it was converted to a single family home almost 20 years ago," I explained to her. 

"It's a duplex."

Son of a biscuit eater. 

"It's not a duplex!" I said with my voice raised because I was irritated by then.  And I was thankful I had warned the lady who sits in the cubicle next to me that she might hear me yelling at someone before I called them because I've dealt with them for 11 years now and I know they make you want to raise your voice.

"Our records show it's a duplex," said the robotic lady.

"I'm telling you it's not and hasn't been a duplex for almost 20 years since the lady before me bought the house in 1996.  She converted the house to a single-family home.  It's not my fault your records are wrong."

"We've been reading the wrong meter at your address since you moved in then."

"Okay.  That's also not my fault.  There are two meters and they are ONE INCH apart.  How can someone not notice that for two and a half years and not check both of them?"

"We have no way of knowing when a house has been converted."

"That's understandable.  EXCEPT I TOLD Y'ALL WHEN I MOVED IN THAT IT'S A SINGLE FAMILY HOME!" I yelled.  "And I can't help it that the lady who used to own the house may or may not have told y'all.  I don't know that lady and have no control over her." 

"Well, you need to come down here today and fill out an application or we'll turn off your water."

WHAT?

"I am not about to take time off from my job to drive downtown and fill out an application when I've been a customer for 11 years!" I yelled at her.

"I have to advise you that if you do not, your water will be turned off tomorrow."

"Oh no it will not!  And I'm not driving down there today.  You need to get this fixed right now while we're on the phone.  Do you not think it's completely ridiculous that you are asking someone who has had an account with you for 11 years to come in person to fill out an application so you can open up an account?!"

"I have to advise you that if you don't come down, your water will be turned off tomorrow."

And that is when fire started spewing from my mouth and smoke from my ears and I thought my head may pop clean off.

"I am telling you this again - I will not come down there in person and fill out an application since I have HAD AN ACCOUNT WITH Y'ALL FOR 11 YEARS.  And YOU WILL NOT TURN MY WATER OFF TOMORROW!" I yelled.

"Can you please hold for a minute?" she asked.

"Yes, I certainly can if you're putting me on hold to fix this."

I held.  And held.  And held.  And held.

She finally came back on the line and said, "I spoke to my supervisor and we're going to put a stop hold on your account until we get this straightened out."

"So my water will not be turned off tomorrow?"

"No it won't.  But I need to warn you that next month you will be receiving a very sizable bill because we'll be adjusting your account from the past 2.5 years."

I VERY sarcastically responded, "So let me get this straight.  I don't have to come down there today, my water won't be turned off tomorrow, but next month I get to pay a super gigantic water bill because y'all have screwed up and not done your jobs correctly for two and a half years?  YOU ARE SO AWESOME!"

"Thank you!" she cheerfully replied because she does not understand sarcasm even a tiny bit.

"I am probably looking at a bill of hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, right?" I asked because I've seen the stories on the news and I know how they do this to people.

"Yes, ma'am." 

I then went on Facebook and talked about it.  It just so happens that a sweet couple moved in two houses down from me just before Christmas.  And the wife just so happens to be a reporter on one of the local news channels.  So I asked her if they might be interested in covering it.  She said she'd pass it along to the consumer guy because he LOVES covering these stories and has fought the water department for years.

The next day a very nice guy called me from the water department.  He confirmed my address and then asked if I lived in _________ (name of my neighborhood).  I told him I do and he said he used to live right around the corner from me.  He then asked me if I've ever met the crazy one-eyed lady or the lady who walks to church several times per week and judges everyone for their lifestyles if she doesn't agree with them and preaches to them about how they will go to hell.  And I immediately knew I was going to like this guy.  He also told me about the time he looked in his backyard and a lawn mower had suddenly appeared and he found out someone stole it from his next door neighbor but just threw it over the fence into his backyard.  And those reasons are how I knew he really did live around the corner at some point in my insane 'hood.

He then mumbled how much he hates working for the water department, how much he wants to find a new job, that he has 3 college degrees but because of the economy he's been stuck there for 10 years, and how happy he is that he moved outside of the city limits and does not have his service with the City of Atlanta water.  And I that's when I decided I wanted to marry him and have his babies.

In the hour we were on the phone, I told him all about the situation that needed to be straightened out, I told him how rude the lady had been to me on the phone the day before, and I told him if I heard of any jobs in his field I'd be sure to call him if he gave me his direct number.  We then discussed our love lives and he told me after his last crazy girlfriend he decided to take his love life out to the backyard and shoot it and bury it and he was swearing off dating for a while.  And I told him a very short version of my crazy situation with Hot Brazilian.  And then I asked him how old he is.  He's 36.  I told him that I'm 45 so I'm too old for him but I would put some thought to whether or not I had a non-crazy friend in his age range to set him up with.  He said, "But you and I could still hang out sometime as friends."  I responded, "We COULD hang out!  In fact, we could meet up for a drink tonight if we wanted to!"  "Yes, we COULD!" he replied.  (We didn't.)

The entire time we were having this quite professional conversation, he was inputting figures into some sort of spreadsheet and formula trying to figure out how expensive my bill was going to be after they adjusted it.

He told me the lady lied the day before because they would not be back billing me for 2.5 years since it was all their fault.  They would only back bill me for a year for the adjusted fees.  He was super pissed at the way she had talked to me.

After an hour, he said, "Okay, I have a number for you.  After factoring in all of the payments you have already paid, you are going to owe us $90."

"$90?  Are you serious?  That's it?  The lady yesterday said I was going to owe hundreds if not thousands of dollars."

"Nope.  You will owe about $90.  And I'm going to see about getting rid of that."

Then he told me a guy named Homer would have to come out to my house and go through it to confirm I only have one kitchen and it would then be put on record that I do not live in a duplex. 

The next morning Homer came to my house and he looked around and verified I only have one kitchen.  Then he went out to the two meters which are one inch apart and wrote down some numbers off of them and said he would get things straight.  Homer was a cool dude.  He told me I could use the second meter to hook my sprinkler system into and then I will only have to pay water fees but no sewer fees when I water my grass.

I went to work and about an hour later I got a call from the nice young man from the previous day. 

"I have good news and even better news!" he said.  "We have your meters straightened out so this should not happen again.  And I've gotten approval to write off all of the back charges so you will not owe any additional charges from the past year!"

I then asked him about the second meter being used for the sprinkler system and he said once I have a plumber connect it to call him back and he'll set all of that up on that end. 

Do y'all want to hear the best part of this crazy story in my opinion?  You know that famous book about a whale and the opening line is "Call me __________"?  That was this guy's name.  A guy with that name working for the water department just kind of cracks me up.  (I'm not putting it in here in case he googles his name on a regular basis.  Who knows?  He might.)

And that is the exceptionally long and completely ludicrous story of how I fought the water department and won with the help of a guy with an awesome name.