Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The boogie man

And now for the latest in my dumb life......

I think someone tried to break into my garage and possibly my house last week.

I drew y'all the most awesome picture in the history of ever to try and explain all of this.  You are welcome.


My property is completely fenced in.  And unlike my incredible picture above, the fence on the right side doesn't curve.  It's straight.  Anyway, when I get home I drive down the world's skinniest driveway and have to pay close attention because if I move approximately two inches too far to the left I will hit the side of my house.  If I drive approximately two inches too far to the right I will crash into some columns or into my fence.  (This drawing isn't accurate enough for you to tell all of that by looking at it.)  Then I get to my two crappy gate doors at the back edge of my house and I can't move 1/2 inch too far either way or I will crash my car.

I've had problems with those gate doors since I bought my house.  I had some guys work an entire day on them to try to put extra support on the posts holding them up because they were sagging so bad they dragged on the ground.  And now they are sagging so bad again that I can't close them because one has sagged more than the other so the latches on each door don't come close to lining up with one anther.  So I leave them open all the time and I have to prop them open with bricks because they swing all willy nilly.  After I get through the willy nilly gate doors, I pull into my detached garage.

I didn't draw this in my beautiful picture either (I'm starting to wonder why I drew a picture for y'all at all), but my garage is a two-car garage and it has a storage area in it.  There is the big rolling door that you drive in and out of and you can access the storage area from inside the garage or there is a regular door with a dead bolt and door knob you can use to access the storage area from outside.  I think I've opened that door about 3 times ever.  Which is why I have a giant trash can sitting in front of it.

When I left for work last Thursday, as I was backing out of my garage I noticed the handle of the trash can was visible in my rear view mirror and it's normally not.  I got out of my car to check things out and the trash can had clearly been moved and there was a cigarette butt on the ground in front of my garage.  I know I haven't taken up smoking so it's not mine, and I haven't had anyone over recently who smokes.  When I got to work, I immediately contacted my awesome neighbors who have been after me for two years to contact their guy to get a remote put on my crappy gate doors so that I can close them other than when I'm driving in and out.  They've also been after me to put cameras around my property.  My brother the cop has been after me to do all of this as well.  Because I live in the 'hood and we have a lot of crime.  I called their gate/remote guy and he said he could come out on Saturday to look at my property and give me an estimate.

I had to work late that night so it was dark when I got home and I didn't notice anything else.

On Friday I had to leave work early because they have started coming down on us about overtime so I got home when it was still light out and I decided I was going to work on a couple of spray painting projects.  I walked out to the garage so I could get some cardboard to put under my stuff while I spray painted my little heart out.  I have a keypad to open my garage door and when I went to it, the cover was open.  I never leave the cover open because I had to pay good money to have a new keypad put in last year because the cover was missing from the prior one when I bought the house, and the whole thing had corroded from rain, etc.  I put my code in and the door wouldn't open.  I put the code in again and it still wouldn't open.  I then hit the star key and it opened but I have never had to hit the star key before.  So I think someone had been trying to hack their way in using the key pad.  After that, it seemed to work fine with just my code.

A little later I went back up on my deck and was about to open up one of my french doors to go in my sun room when I saw a partial hand print on the glass.  The reason it stood out to me is because it was about 3 fingers worth in a white powdery substance.  I really don't ever touch the glass when I go in and out of the door and I knew I hadn't had white powder on my hands.  Luckily when you look in that door, you would probably see the motion detector from my alarm system up in the corner of that room (especially if you're a criminal looking for stuff like that before you possibly break into a place).  And if you look in the other french door on my deck you can see an alarm system control panel.  After seeing all of this stuff, I was feeling really glad that the gate/remote guy was coming the next day.

He arrived at my house Saturday afternoon and I walked down the driveway with him to show him my existing crappy gate doors and as soon as he hit the corner of my house and could see in my back yard the conversation went a little something like this:

"WHAT?  THIS IS HORRIBLE BACK HERE!!"

"Um, I know I need to cut the grass and weeds.  I'm planning to do that next weekend."

"NO, NO, NO!" he yelled.  "That's not what I mean.  Look at all of the blind spots back here!  I HATE BLIND SPOTS!  We need to fix this and fix this soon! Someone could be hiding behind your garage.  They could be on the side of the garage.  They could be under your deck, down this little "alley" running down the side the house.  THIS IS TOO DANGEROUS!  The garage should never have been built where it is.  It should have been put in the very far back corner so no one can be hiding around the side or back.  Why would anyone put a garage here?  You live here alone and come home to this every single night by yourself??"

"Well, um, yes.  Yes, I do."

"I would never allow my wife to get out of her car into a situation like this even if I was inside the house," he told me.  "Aren't you scared?"

"Not really.  Until now anyway."

"I don't understand why you young ladies live alone in neighborhoods like this."

"Because these are the neighborhoods we can afford houses in when we're buying house on our own," I mumbled.

So we talked for a while and I told him I was fully expecting him to tell me that my crappy gate doors need to be thrown in a trash heap and that I need a new door.  And he told me he's glad I already knew that and he said he could put a remote on the existing doors but he would just be stealing money from me if he did that because I would then be calling him every couple of months to come out and fix them.  So we agreed I need a brand new gate with a remote because it's better to do things right the first time.

He then asked me if I've thought about installing cameras around my property and I told him I've been looking at them online and asked if he does that too and he does.  So I told him to include that in his quote.  We discussed how cameras are one of the biggest deterrents for crime you can have because criminals do not like them.  He said between cameras, my alarm system, signs saying I have an alarm system, and the closed gate, someone would really have to want to get in my house rather than going to hit an easier target.  He's going to put in the same camera system he has at his own house and that he just installed in his neighbor's house.  So for those of you who come to my house for Pie parties, don't pick your underwear out of your butt or pick your nose when you're walking up to any of the doors because I will probably see you doing it.

He then asked if he could come back by on Sunday with his welder so the welder could take some measurements and see the property and where the gate would be installed, etc. and I told him that would be fine.  About an hour after he left, I was in my kitchen when I heard something repeatedly whacking against the bay window in my living room.  I looked in the living room and saw a bird flying into the window over and over again and then it disappeared.  I ran over to look and see if it had been hurt and fallen on the ground, and as I looked out I saw that the fence on the front corner of my house was pulled away from my house and the side fence.  It's not something I would have noticed because you really have to be looking at a certain angle to even see that section of fencing.  (The bird was apparently fine by the way.)

When the gate guy came came back on Sunday with his welder, I showed them the fence that had been knocked away so they suggested I add another gate on that side in the scary "alley" running down the side of my house so that if someone kicked in that fence again they still won't be able to get in my back yard.  The alley is not really an alley.  It's just a very skinny strip between my house and the fence where the a/c units, gas meters, etc. are located.

My brother, the cop, came over Sunday night to help me put my new deck furniture together (LOVE) and then I took him out to dinner as a thank you.  He nailed my fence back to my house for me and I showed him everything else and then I told him I need to get a job as a detective because I think I know who was messing around behind my house.  

There was a crew putting in a driveway next door to me on Wednesday.

They would certainly have had a white powdery substance on their hands.  They were also working right next to where the fence was knocked down at the front of my house.  Also, they saw me leaving for work that morning because they had just arrived and had parked on the street in such a way in a large truck that I had a very hard time getting out of my driveway without hitting them and they all stood there and watched as I inched and inched out.

When I got home that evening they were still working and I walked over to see the driveway and check to see how close it is to my fence.  They would hardly look at me.  I was very friendly and told them how nice their work was looking, etc. and they barely glanced at me.

Anyway, I am going to live in Fort Knox by the time all of this stuff is done to my house.  Unfortunately I will have not a penny left to keep inside of it because all of this is going to cost me a small fortune.  So it will be more like Fort Poor.  But I really do think it's going to give me so much peace of mind, that it's a great investment in my house, and that if I ever sell I will get my money back for doing all of this.  But I may be eating ramen noodles and peanut butter sandwiches for a while.  (Luckily the fake kids left three huge things of ramen noodles when they moved out.)

Yesterday I negotiated the cost of the gate down by $200 from the quote and felt a tiny bit bad-ass for doing so.  And they should be installing everything next week.  I'm glad because after that guy came to my house I was completely terrified when I got home at 9:00 last night because I took a little trip to Ikea after work.  I was running up my driveway so whoever might be hiding in all of the blind spots wouldn't grab me.  And I'm horribly out of shape so I couldn't breathe by the time I got inside.  And the gate guy called me about 3 minutes after I got inside and I had to try and not be huffing and puffing while I was talking to him because I didn't want to have to tell him he scared me so bad that I ran up my driveway when I got home so the back yard boogie man/men wouldn't get me.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Moby Dick

So now I'll share with y'all my ridiculous battle with the water department.  If we're friends on Facebook, you've already heard a bit of it, but here's the entire stupid, insane story.

Last Monday when I checked my mail, I had an envelope from the water department.  And for those of you in the Atlanta area, if you ever watch the local news you already know just how messed up the City of Atlanta's water department is since there is a story on the news almost every week about them for the past 10 years (at least). 

When you open an account with the City of Atlanta for water service, you have to drive downtown to city hall, get a number, sit in a run-down waiting area, fill out an application, and then wait to be called for someone to enter everything in their system and tell you if you've been approved or not.  Yes.  YOU HAVE TO APPLY IN PERSON and they only have one location for this circa 1972 way of doing business.  Who does that anymore?  The City of Atlanta does.  And it's the dumbest thing ever.

When I lived in my last apartment before buying my house, I was in the city limits so I had done this ridiculous applying in person back in 2003.  I had to take a half-day off work to get water service.  I was miraculously able to transfer service to my house when I bought it without appearing in person, but I had to have my closing attorney fax a copy of a bunch of paperwork to them to prove I had bought my house.  No other utility company required that, but the City of Atlanta water did.  Because they are ludicrous.  But not cool Ludacris, the rapper.

So I've lived in my house for 2.5 years and I've gotten a bill every month from the water department and my other utilities and I've paid what they told me to pay because I've grown to enjoy having lights, a/c, and to be able to flush my toilets and stuff.

But last Monday I had an envelope from the City of Atlanta water people and it was addressed to "Customer" because they like to personalize stuff apparently and it had my address with "Unit B" added to it.  And it was a label that had been cut from a piece of paper and taped on the front of the envelope very professionally with all of their state of the art office technology.  And then it had a fancy bright yellow star burst design with red letters in all caps saying "IMPORTANT MESSAGE REGARDING YOUR WATER SERVICE!"  I figured they were raising their rates again even though we already have some of the highest water and sewer rates in the whole entire country.

But that's not what it was.  The first line said, "We'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you as a new customer to the Atlanta Water System."  Um.  Thanks, City of Atlanta but I think your letter is a bit tardy since I've been a customer for 11 years.

The second sentence said, "To convenience you, we have left the water and or [no slash in between] sewer service active for your home."  Then it said, "However, it is vital that you immediately make the necessary application for service in your name."

It went on to tell me that they STILL MAKE YOU APPLY IN PERSON at City Hall.  I received the notice on March 10th and was told if I didn't apply in person by the 12th my service would be shut off.  What the what?

I called the next morning and a customer service rep answered.  I was very polite and told her I needed to straighten out an odd situation and I told her how I've lived in my single-family home for 2.5 years and how I've been a customer of theirs for 11 years and I wanted to make sure they would get this fixed and not turn my water off.

"You live in a duplex," she responded after looking up my account.

"No, I do not."

"Yes you do.

"No I don't."  Because we are 5-years-old.

"We show it's a duplex."

"It's not a duplex.  It USED TO BE a duplex, but it was converted to a single family home almost 20 years ago," I explained to her. 

"It's a duplex."

Son of a biscuit eater. 

"It's not a duplex!" I said with my voice raised because I was irritated by then.  And I was thankful I had warned the lady who sits in the cubicle next to me that she might hear me yelling at someone before I called them because I've dealt with them for 11 years now and I know they make you want to raise your voice.

"Our records show it's a duplex," said the robotic lady.

"I'm telling you it's not and hasn't been a duplex for almost 20 years since the lady before me bought the house in 1996.  She converted the house to a single-family home.  It's not my fault your records are wrong."

"We've been reading the wrong meter at your address since you moved in then."

"Okay.  That's also not my fault.  There are two meters and they are ONE INCH apart.  How can someone not notice that for two and a half years and not check both of them?"

"We have no way of knowing when a house has been converted."

"That's understandable.  EXCEPT I TOLD Y'ALL WHEN I MOVED IN THAT IT'S A SINGLE FAMILY HOME!" I yelled.  "And I can't help it that the lady who used to own the house may or may not have told y'all.  I don't know that lady and have no control over her." 

"Well, you need to come down here today and fill out an application or we'll turn off your water."

WHAT?

"I am not about to take time off from my job to drive downtown and fill out an application when I've been a customer for 11 years!" I yelled at her.

"I have to advise you that if you do not, your water will be turned off tomorrow."

"Oh no it will not!  And I'm not driving down there today.  You need to get this fixed right now while we're on the phone.  Do you not think it's completely ridiculous that you are asking someone who has had an account with you for 11 years to come in person to fill out an application so you can open up an account?!"

"I have to advise you that if you don't come down, your water will be turned off tomorrow."

And that is when fire started spewing from my mouth and smoke from my ears and I thought my head may pop clean off.

"I am telling you this again - I will not come down there in person and fill out an application since I have HAD AN ACCOUNT WITH Y'ALL FOR 11 YEARS.  And YOU WILL NOT TURN MY WATER OFF TOMORROW!" I yelled.

"Can you please hold for a minute?" she asked.

"Yes, I certainly can if you're putting me on hold to fix this."

I held.  And held.  And held.  And held.

She finally came back on the line and said, "I spoke to my supervisor and we're going to put a stop hold on your account until we get this straightened out."

"So my water will not be turned off tomorrow?"

"No it won't.  But I need to warn you that next month you will be receiving a very sizable bill because we'll be adjusting your account from the past 2.5 years."

I VERY sarcastically responded, "So let me get this straight.  I don't have to come down there today, my water won't be turned off tomorrow, but next month I get to pay a super gigantic water bill because y'all have screwed up and not done your jobs correctly for two and a half years?  YOU ARE SO AWESOME!"

"Thank you!" she cheerfully replied because she does not understand sarcasm even a tiny bit.

"I am probably looking at a bill of hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, right?" I asked because I've seen the stories on the news and I know how they do this to people.

"Yes, ma'am." 

I then went on Facebook and talked about it.  It just so happens that a sweet couple moved in two houses down from me just before Christmas.  And the wife just so happens to be a reporter on one of the local news channels.  So I asked her if they might be interested in covering it.  She said she'd pass it along to the consumer guy because he LOVES covering these stories and has fought the water department for years.

The next day a very nice guy called me from the water department.  He confirmed my address and then asked if I lived in _________ (name of my neighborhood).  I told him I do and he said he used to live right around the corner from me.  He then asked me if I've ever met the crazy one-eyed lady or the lady who walks to church several times per week and judges everyone for their lifestyles if she doesn't agree with them and preaches to them about how they will go to hell.  And I immediately knew I was going to like this guy.  He also told me about the time he looked in his backyard and a lawn mower had suddenly appeared and he found out someone stole it from his next door neighbor but just threw it over the fence into his backyard.  And those reasons are how I knew he really did live around the corner at some point in my insane 'hood.

He then mumbled how much he hates working for the water department, how much he wants to find a new job, that he has 3 college degrees but because of the economy he's been stuck there for 10 years, and how happy he is that he moved outside of the city limits and does not have his service with the City of Atlanta water.  And I that's when I decided I wanted to marry him and have his babies.

In the hour we were on the phone, I told him all about the situation that needed to be straightened out, I told him how rude the lady had been to me on the phone the day before, and I told him if I heard of any jobs in his field I'd be sure to call him if he gave me his direct number.  We then discussed our love lives and he told me after his last crazy girlfriend he decided to take his love life out to the backyard and shoot it and bury it and he was swearing off dating for a while.  And I told him a very short version of my crazy situation with Hot Brazilian.  And then I asked him how old he is.  He's 36.  I told him that I'm 45 so I'm too old for him but I would put some thought to whether or not I had a non-crazy friend in his age range to set him up with.  He said, "But you and I could still hang out sometime as friends."  I responded, "We COULD hang out!  In fact, we could meet up for a drink tonight if we wanted to!"  "Yes, we COULD!" he replied.  (We didn't.)

The entire time we were having this quite professional conversation, he was inputting figures into some sort of spreadsheet and formula trying to figure out how expensive my bill was going to be after they adjusted it.

He told me the lady lied the day before because they would not be back billing me for 2.5 years since it was all their fault.  They would only back bill me for a year for the adjusted fees.  He was super pissed at the way she had talked to me.

After an hour, he said, "Okay, I have a number for you.  After factoring in all of the payments you have already paid, you are going to owe us $90."

"$90?  Are you serious?  That's it?  The lady yesterday said I was going to owe hundreds if not thousands of dollars."

"Nope.  You will owe about $90.  And I'm going to see about getting rid of that."

Then he told me a guy named Homer would have to come out to my house and go through it to confirm I only have one kitchen and it would then be put on record that I do not live in a duplex. 

The next morning Homer came to my house and he looked around and verified I only have one kitchen.  Then he went out to the two meters which are one inch apart and wrote down some numbers off of them and said he would get things straight.  Homer was a cool dude.  He told me I could use the second meter to hook my sprinkler system into and then I will only have to pay water fees but no sewer fees when I water my grass.

I went to work and about an hour later I got a call from the nice young man from the previous day. 

"I have good news and even better news!" he said.  "We have your meters straightened out so this should not happen again.  And I've gotten approval to write off all of the back charges so you will not owe any additional charges from the past year!"

I then asked him about the second meter being used for the sprinkler system and he said once I have a plumber connect it to call him back and he'll set all of that up on that end. 

Do y'all want to hear the best part of this crazy story in my opinion?  You know that famous book about a whale and the opening line is "Call me __________"?  That was this guy's name.  A guy with that name working for the water department just kind of cracks me up.  (I'm not putting it in here in case he googles his name on a regular basis.  Who knows?  He might.)

And that is the exceptionally long and completely ludicrous story of how I fought the water department and won with the help of a guy with an awesome name.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Everything is stupid.

Last week my life was stupid.  Kind of like the week before that.  And this week.  And probably next week too.

My personality is such that when I decide I want to do something, I want to do it RIGHT NOW.  Not next week.  Not even tomorrow.  I want to get it done today.

Last Monday I was going through my emails and realized I had a coupon for World Market that was expiring that night and it was for 25% of my entire purchase.  World Market is one of my favorite stores on earth and I decided on the spot that I needed to buy furniture for my back deck.  Last year I bought a grill from a friend of mine and a table and chairs from Target, but I have a very long deck and it still looked empty.

I drove to World Market's Buckhead location after work because it's 5 minutes from my office and I found an outdoor loveseat, coffee table, two wicker chairs, a mosaic tile bistro table, an umbrella and about 5648963134 outdoor pillows.  But then they told me they didn't have the coffee table or the mosaic tile table in stock and couldn't sell their floor samples so I could buy them online that night and use my coupon, but then I would have to pay shipping and they warned me the shipping charges are expensive and it would probably be a wash of what I saved using the coupon.  Two very nice associates had been helping me and one of them told me she'd be happy to help me load everything they did have in stock into my SUV when I finished checking out.  As I was checking out, she ran back over to me and said she had solved my problem.  She told me two other stores in Atlanta had those tables in stock so I could call one of them, have them hold the tables for me, drive over and pay for them that night so that I could get the 25% off, and then ask them to hold them for me again because there was no way they would fit in my car with everything else that night.  I could then go back and pick them up another night after work.  But using my 25% off coupon that night at two different stores saved me almost $350.  Woot woot!

And that is the story of how I looked like the Beverly Hillbillies driving from Buckhead to Dunwoody and then back downtown to my house on Monday night.  Y'all, my car has never been so stuffed.  I could barely see out of any windows because pillows and a loveseat and chairs were piled high.  I then had to go back to Dunwoody after work on Tuesday night to pick up my other two tables.  And then I begged my brother and niece to come over this weekend to help me assemble the loveseat and the bistro table.  It's not that I don't know how, but it's difficult to hold pieces in place while you're also trying to screw stuff and I need an extra set of hands.  Plus I haven't seen them since Christmas so I want to hang out with them and then I'll treat them to dinner for helping me.

I then went to Lowe's on Wednesday night because I was going to buy some sort of spray paint sealant to protect my new furniture from the weather and I needed a mask because I planned to try and scrub the living daylights out of a tile floor in my house that my cat had pretty much ruined when she had her tummy issues before she died.  And I didn't really want to breathe in cat poo particles and catch some weird disease.  And this was just to pre-clean it before I had it professionally cleaned.  Y'all it was a mess.  I had kept the door shut since she died in January because I didn't want to smell it and I didn't want to look at it.

While I was in Lowe's, I struck up a conversation with a guy in there about deadbolts because I have a deadbolt problem.  I've been in my house for 2.5 years and 3 deadbolts have broken in my front door.  The first one literally fell into pieces one night as the door was being locked by my cousin.  The second one got to where the thing you turn to lock it would just spin around in circles and it wouldn't lock.  And now a third one is just spinning around.  I asked him if my door could just be out of alignment or something and he said it probably is and to have a contractor come look at it.  Then I told him the paint is cracking ALL over my house.  Upstairs.  Downstairs.  There are cracks between the panels in some of my doors.  The paint is cracking in my bead board.  But the paint on drywall is not cracking.  He said I probably have settlement issues.  I told him my house is just shy of 100-years-old and I would think it should be settled by now.  I was thinking it was a humidity issue or something. 

I left Lowe's after buying a pizza stone to use on my grill, spray paint to paint two ugly little plastic chairs and a table I bought from Ikea years ago that I also want to use on the deck, spray paint to paint another thing I want to hang on the wall out on my deck, and a candle holder thing for outside.

I forgot to buy the sealant and the mask.  The only two things I went in there for.

So on Thursday night I went to Home Depot to buy sealant and a mask.  Thankfully I remembered those things, but I also bought a second umbrella because I decided I needed two of them on my deck, an umbrella stand, and I don't even remember what else but it was $165 worth of crap.

And then on Friday I was able to schedule Stanley Steemer to come out on Saturday to steam clean my tile floors to get rid of all the evidence Bailey left behind.  So when I got home from work on Friday night I spent about two hours trying to pre-clean the floors in my sun room and I honestly can't think of anything I've done that's quite so disgusting in a very long time.  And right then and there I decided two things:

1.  I honestly don't think I will ever have another inside pet again as long as I live.
2.  I don't have enough furniture in that room and I can probably pull my new loveseat, coffee table and wicker chairs into the sun room when I'm not using them outside on the deck so I really didn't need to stop and buy that sealant on Thursday night after all because they won't really be sitting out in rain, etc..

Stanley Steemer came to my house on Saturday afternoon and they scrubbed and scraped and deodorized and cleaned.  I also had them clean the tile of my guest bathroom.  My floors look so good, y'all!  And they said they have seen worse because they could tell I was so embarrassed to show them that room. 

Sunday it rained all day here in Atlanta so I stayed home and walked into my sun room approximately every 10 minutes and grinned from ear to ear because the floor is clean.

I'm having a sex toy party at my house one night in April.  Oh yes I am.  One Fabulous Mama is now selling sex toys and she was looking for people to hosts parties for her and I volunteered.  June wants to come but she has a conflict that night.  I'm hoping she can get rid of the conflict and come down for the weekend and I'll let y'all know if she does.  We emailed each other about it yesterday for a while.  I just love her! 

Anyway, I talked to my contractor on Friday night just before I spent an exciting evening scrubbing floors ruined by cat shit and I asked him if he can come the day of my party to go over a few things in my house because I'm going to try and take the whole day off of work:  he refinished my deck for me last June and used a new product which is peeling off and looks all mildewed and crappy so he's going to see what he needs to do with it, he'll check out my front door/deadbolt situation, I have two electrical outlets on my deck that don't work, my gutters need cleaned out, and he's going to see if he can figure out why my house is cracking and (he also thinks it's a humidity issue and that I may need to have insulation blown in my crawl space and attic).

Let's hope he's gone before the sex toys start showing up.  He's a very nice Christian man.

I was also going to tell y'all about my huge ridiculous battle with the water department that happened last week.  They suddenly decided my house is a duplex and I had just moved into Unit B and that I needed to come down in person to fill out an application to open up an account that day or my water would be turned off.  Even though I've been a customer and had an account for almost 13 years.  But I will write about that whole stupid thing next time. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

Saturdays were not meant to be this productive

I think the horrible drive back from Texas and almost getting arrested caught up with me about mid-week, y'all.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights I got home from work around 7:00, ate dinner and went to bed.  I am not a good sleeper and yet I slept from 8:30 or 9:00 until 6:30 the following morning on all of those nights.

Oh.  I did that on Saturday night too.

I still feel tired.  But I think I'm tired now from what I did on Saturday of this weekend and not the last one.  And I think this coming Saturday I need to knock it off having busy or crazy Saturdays.

I woke up early on Saturday morning because I was the party animal who went to bed at 8:30 on Friday night as though I am 102-years-old.  I lounged around in bed watching TV and finally decided to get up around 8:00.

By 10:30 a.m. I had eaten breakfast, made 6 chicken meals and put them in the freezer, had a 3 pound roast beef cooking away in the crock pot (I am SO excited about my lunch today because that roast beef is the bomb, ya'll), had about 6 quarts of taco soup cooked and cooling off to be frozen, and then by 11:00 I also had a big pot of pasta with tomato basil sauce done to eat on all week for dinner.  I hate cooking so much and I don't want to do it on a daily basis.  This will cover me for lunches and dinners for at least 2 weeks, and probably longer.  I try to bring my lunch to work every day because I work in Buckhead where you can't get cheap lunches out.  I can eat from home for a couple of bucks as opposed to the cheapest place I've found around my office which is a minimum of $8.50 for a sandwich and a drink with no sides.

If you want the recipes, here are the ones I made (look at y'all.....getting recipes from someone who doesn't know how to cook):

Balsamic Roast Beef


Taco Soup - I can't find a link online so here's what is in it:

2 lbs ground beef
One small or medium onion depending on how much you like onion
1 packet of taco seasoning
1 packet of ranch dip/dressing mix
2 cans of corn undrained
1 can of kidney beans undrained
1 can of pinto beans undrained
4 cans of stewed tomatoes

Brown the ground beef and onion.  Pour all of the other crap in the pot (I had about a cup of beef broth left over from the roast beef I had put in the crock pot so I threw it in the pot too.  I also put a couple of cloves of crushed garlic in there.).  Bring to a boil, then reduce and cook for about 30 minutes on medium.  Allow to cool completely, then put in freezer bags if you want to freeze it.  I'm not even a good cook and this was DELICIOUS.


Mexican Chicken - I can't find a link to this one online either.

Put frozen chicken breasts in a freezer bag (I had 6 breasts)
Pour a jar of salsa in the bag (I used a 24 oz jar I think)
Add 2 or 3 cloves of crushed garlic.

Stick it in the freezer.  When you get ready to bake it, take it out 24 hours ahead of time and put in the refrigerator.  As it thaws, it will marinate in the salsa.  Pour it all in a casserole dish and cook for 1.5 hours at 350 degrees.  When it comes out of the oven, cover it shredded cheese.  I can cook this on a Sunday and have dinner that night and for the entire work week ahead.  Oh the joys of living alone and not having to share!

A friend of my mom's brought the Mexican Chicken to her while I was out in Texas.  It was delicious so I got the recipe from her.  She also gave me the taco soup recipe but she didn't actually bring any of it to us, so hers probably would have been even better.

And here is the recipe for the One Pot Pasta I made.  I don't care for spinach so I left it out.  I have to be honest....this was not my favorite.  If I ever made it again I would add a whole bunch more seasonings or something because it was pretty bland to me.

Anyway, by noon I had enough meals made up for a long time and I had my kitchen cleaned so I decided if I sat down I wouldn't get anything else done because I was already a little tired if I'm being honest.

So I went outside and blew leaves, raked leaves, bagged up many bags of leaves, and then I decided to pressure wash the back of my house, my deck, and my deck furniture.

That all took me about 5 and a half hours and I went back in my house exhausted, sore and soaking wet.  I took a shower, ate some roast beef, got the roast beef put away, washed the crock pot, and then I was in bed AGAIN by 8:30.

I woke up in the middle of the night and had to pee because I drank about a gallon of water before I went to bed and I could barely walk to the bathroom I was so sore.  My feet almost made me cry.  My thighs and butt were screaming at me from bending and bagging up leaves.  My forearm muscles were pleading for mercy from using the pressure washer.

I found my plantar fasciitis sleeves and put them on before I got back in bed.

Yesterday morning I huffed and puffed, and grumbled and oohed and aahed and struggled and finally made it down the stairs.

I made a grilled blueberry/cream cheese sandwich (I only made a single sandwich and OMG it was SO GOOD that I wanted 10 more!) for breakfast as a treat and then slowly made my way to the sofa. Where I stayed for the entire day with a pillow, blanket and the remote.  I could barely manage to get up when I had to pee, I skipped lunch because I was too sore to move and get up to make anything, and I generally laid there feeling sorry for myself.

I did manage to make a sandwich for dinner and I took it out on my back deck so I could eat on my freshly cleaned table and enjoy the beautiful weather for a few minutes.

And now I will try to make it through the week from the stupid time change and will probably be in bed by 8:30 several nights again. 

My life.  So full of excitement.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

And now I will tell y'all how I almost got arrested the other night. Or morning. Well, it was in the middle of the night.

By the time I was almost arrested, I was so tired I almost didn't care because they might have a cot for me to lay down on and go to sleep in jail.

I had left Texas around 11:00 a.m. Atlanta time on Saturday morning, and I forgot to tell y'all this yesterday, but I stopped at a gas station there and bought a lamp as I left.

I had stopped at the Duck Dynasty place.

I had stood in the middle of the expressway seeing bodies for quite a while that had been ejected from a car in that horrific accident near Jackson, Mississippi.

I had taken a 50 mile detour through Mississippi country.

I had eaten dinner with my aunt and talked to her for a couple of hours.

I had driven through Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  And Birmingham.  And Anniston.

I finally got to a suburb of Atlanta (which I will not name in case the police department googles and finds this post) around 3:00 in the morning.  And I was bone weary tired.  I wasn't sleepy, but I was completely fatigued after 16 hours on the road.  I had half a tank of gas and only 30 minutes to drive until I was home, but I decided to stop there and fill up my car because gas is a lot cheaper out there than in town where I live and then I wouldn't have to stop this week and pay more to fill up.  And I wanted to pick up a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread so I would have something for breakfast on Sunday. 

This was a huge mistake.

I stopped at the pump for gas.  I then went inside to get my milk and bread.  When I was inside, there was the cashier (a young lady), a man buying something, and a sheriff's deputy buying a snack of some sort.  I walked back out towards my car at about the same time the deputy was walking out.  We never spoke to one another.

As I was getting in my car, he flew backwards out of his parking space and then proceeded to speed through the parking lot of the gas station (y'all know how some cops drive like their butts are on fire for no reason?) and I saw him go up a little cut through driveway into the parking lot of a business next to the gas station.  There were 5 more cop cars sitting there.  It was 3:15 a.m. and apparently there wasn't much going on so they were just hanging out.

I got my purse and milk and bread settled in the seat next to me, cranked up my car, and proceeded to turn on my mp3 player.  Now I will admit that I had been playing my music way louder than I should have been for several hours by that point because I was trying to keep myself alert.  So it was rather loud when I put my car in drive and pulled away from the pump.

I heard the thud of something hitting the side of my car as I drove off from the pump and thought, "Crap.  I must have forgotten to close my gas cap."  And sure enough, I saw it open in my side view mirror. 

I stopped by another pump, got out of my car, walked around, screwed the gas cap back on and closed the cover.  I then got back in my car and drove up to the exit of the gas station.  Suddenly a cop was flying across the parking lot towards the exit with his lights on so I sat there thinking he had just gotten a call and I would let him get out before I pulled out into the road.

Only he stopped right at my door and got out of his car.

I had no idea what was going on, so I turned my music down, I rolled down my window and very politely and cheerfully (as cheerfully as I could sound after 16 hours on a hellish road trip) said, "Hi, officer!"

Through gritted teeth, a red face (he was a redhead and you know how red they can get in the face when they are pissed off), and almost spitting at me he was so angry, he screamed at me, "IF YOU DON'T GO BACK IN THAT STORE RIGHT THIS SECOND AND TELL THAT YOUNG LADY WHAT YOU JUST DID, I AM TAKING YOU TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!"

I looked at him blankly because I had no idea what I had just done.

And he just stared at me so I said, "Um, I'm sorry, but what did I just do?"

"DON'T EVEN TRY TO ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW!" he yelled.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I honestly don't know what I've done wrong," I responded.

"YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT NOISE?"

"I heard my gas cap hit the side of my car so I got out and put it on and closed the cover."

"YOU'RE GOING TO SIT HERE AND TELL ME YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT NOISE?"

"I'm sorry, sir.  I really don't know what you're talking about."

"DID YOU NOT SEE 6 COPS SITTING THERE?  WE ALL HEARD IT.  YOU HAD THE GAS NOZZLE STILL IN YOUR CAR AND YOU PULLED THE HOSE OUT OF THE PUMP!"

"Oh.  I am SO sorry.  I honestly didn't realize I had done that."  I really didn't because.....16 hours on the road....hellish trip.....loud music which muffled the sound......mind not working very clearly by that point.

He then proceeded to yell at me (again) that he would tote me off to jail right that second if I didn't go back in the store and tell the lady what I had done.

"I will be more than happy to do that, sir.  Again, I am very sorry.  I honestly didn't realize I did that.  And yes, I saw 6 cop cars sitting next door.  I would never have done something like that and driven off had I realized it.  Especially not in front of 6 police officers.  It was a total accident."

"YOU NEED TO GIVE ME YOUR IDENTIFICATION AND I'LL BE HOLDING ON TO THAT UNTIL YOU GO INSIDE AND RECTIFY THIS SITUATION," he yelled.

"Yes, sir," I mumbled as I got my license and handed it over.

I proceeded to back up, turn around and drive back to the front door and park.  He was hot on my tail and we walked in together.

The cashier was over on one side of the store cleaning some stuff and she looked up.  The officer didn't even speak - he just held up two fingers and very aggressively and angrily waved her over to the counter.  Her eyes darted to me in shock and she came over and walked behind the counter.

"THIS YOUNG LADY JUST DROVE OFF WITH THE HOSE STILL IN HER CAR AND IT PULLED THE HOSE OUT OF YOUR PUMP.  AND THEN SHE WAS GOING TO JUST LEAVE THE PREMISES," he loudly said to her.

And I could have jumped over the counter and hugged her when she replied, "Oh, that's no big deal.  It happens a lot."

At some point another officer had walked in and was standing near the door and he was snickering when she said it. 

She asked him if gas was spewing out of the tank or anything and he told her no.  She again told him it's not a big deal.

The officer called in my license number and when it came back that no one was looking for me I think it made him even angrier.  He really seemed to want to take me to jail for some reason.

I looked at the cashier and said, "I really am incredibly sorry about this.  It was an accident and I didn't realize I had done it.  I've been driving home from Texas today and I'm very tired and apparently my head is not clear right now."

"Oh wow.  Texas?  That is a long way and I can only imagine how tired you are," she replied. 

Then Mr. Officer said again, "DID YOU REALLY NOT SEE 6 COPS SITTING THERE WHEN YOU DID THIS?"

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Sir, yes I saw y'all.  I've apologized and I've tried to explain this was an accident and I was not aware of what I had done.  My brother is a sergeant with the ________ Police Department.  I have a lot of respect for law enforcement.  I am an upstanding and very law abiding citizen.  I haven't even had a speeding ticket in about 20 years.  All I can say to you and this young lady is that I am very sorry."

"WHERE DO YOU WORK?" he barked.

"At a law firm," I said and I thought the other officer was going to pee his pants at that point he was shaking so hard and trying not to laugh out loud.

"WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR FIRM AND ARE YOU A PARALEGAL?" because apparently I seemed too stupid to be an attorney.

I told him the name of my firm and that I am a legal assistant.  He wrote all of that down on the very official scrap piece of paper he was using.  He then made me write down my social security number and he got my phone number.

He then slapped my license down on the counter in front of me and barked at the cashier, "YOU GET EVERY SINGLE BIT OF INFORMATION FROM THIS LADY YOU NEED SO SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS.  YOUR HOSE IS JUST OUT THERE ON THE GROUND!"

The cashier replied, "I don't think I really need anything from her.  We'll just call in a work order and they come fix it.  It's really not a big deal at all.  It happens a lot."

He then proceeded to explain to me that he would be preparing a report that would be on file with the police department and if I needed a copy I could get one.

"ONCE THIS YOUNG LADY GETS ALL OF YOUR INFORMATION, YOU ARE FREE TO GO M'AM."

"Thank you, sir.  I hope you have a really good night," I responded as he turned his back to us and walked towards the door.

"What an asshole!  What is his problem?" the cashier said as the door closed behind him.

"You have no idea.  Before we came in here he threatened to take me to jail!" I said to her.

"For pulling the hose out???  It happens all the time!  I really don't think I need anything at all from you, but in case he's out there watching us, just give me your name and phone number so he won't be after you," she said.

I asked her if she wanted me to go get the hose and bring it inside to her and she said no, that we would walk out there and take a look.  We walked out and the hose had come unconnected at a joint.  Nothing was broken, but it was too far over our heads for us to screw it back in.  She kicked it off to the side and said not to worry about a thing and she headed back in.  The two cops were still sitting in the cars next to the pump.

I walked back over to my car and proceeded to try and leave again.  The cop followed me.  Really?

Luckily, as I got back on I-20 he chose to leave me alone.

I finally got home at 4:00 a.m., which was 17 very long hours after I left my mom's house.  I unloaded my car, left everything next to my front door, ripped off my bra and collapsed on the sofa because the thought of walking upstairs to my bed was more than I could handle.

I talked to my brother (the cop) about what happened and he told me I would not be out of line if I called in a complaint against the officer because he was way over the top.  He said technically the officer did nothing wrong, but he was a total hothead and there was no need for him to speak to me the way he did or handle it that way.  He said the fact that I wasn't charged with anything would make my complaint carry even more weight because I still felt the need to call in and tell them how I was treated.  But he said it will take a lot of my time to deal with it.  And I don't think I want to give that guy another minute of my life so I probably won't.

It's been 3 days and I haven't heard a word from the gas station company.  Like the girl said, I guess it happens all the time and it really wasn't that big of a deal.

I just know I am not going to be looking forward to another road trip for the next 100 years or so.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

How I unexpectedly saw Pocohontas, Mississippi and had a police officer threaten to arrest me in Georgia in the same day

Hello, y'all!

As usual, things have been crazy in my world.  I was supposed to leave last Sunday morning, the 23rd, to drive out to Texas to my mom's.  She had a hip replacement the week before and I was going to help her out once she got home.  Instead I spent Sunday the 23rd in the bathroom and in bed because I had food poisoning.  So I left on Monday the 24th instead.

The trip out was great!  It was long (11 hours) but nothing crazy happened.  I just drove and drove and drove down I-20.  Between my house in Atlanta and my mom's house in Texas there are 4 turns.  Doesn't that seem insane?  A 700+ mile trip with only 4 turns involved.  The most disappointing thing was that I couldn't binge on junk food while I was driving which is what I always do on road trips because my stomach was still a little gross feeling after the food poisoning the day before.  Instead I had ginger ale, Gatorade and stopped for a bowl of soup in Vicksburg, MS. 

My mom was doing really well from her surgery.  She has minor pain but she says it's nothing compared to the pain she had been living with on her bad hip.  She can't bend over yet so I helped her get undressed and dressed, cleaned her incision, helped her with her physical therapy each day, helped her get in and out of the shower, kept her house picked up, dishes done, and answered the door approximately 43584502384 times each day because so many of her friends and people from their church stopped by to visit, bring food, etc.  The only things I had to make were toast, one turkey sandwich, and a bowl of soup because people fed us dinner every single night I was there and we normally had leftovers for lunch the next day.  Her husband was getting ready for a huge meeting at work this week and I helped him with some stuff too (typing up meal menus, forms, etc).  And I know that doesn't sound like a whole lot, but we honestly barely had a minute to talk to each other one-on-one or relax because we were busy almost every minute of every day and the week was over before we knew it.

I did take a few minutes one morning and raided her gift wrapping supplies to try and jazz up her walker a little bit and make it a little happier.  Y'all don't laugh - I had very limited stuff to work with, okay?  I gave her a little basket to carry small stuff like her cell phone, etc.


This past Saturday I came back home.

And it was one of the worst days I've had in a very, very long time.  It was kind of like hell if I'm being honest.

It started off okay.  When you're coming through West Monroe, Louisiana on I-20, the Duck Commander Headquarters is approximately 5 blocks off the expressway.  I've only watched Duck Dynasty twice so I would not say I'm a fan, but since I was so close I decided to stop.  I pulled in the parking lot, jumped out and took 3 photos and got back in my car.  I did not go inside.

I don't know these people but I want to know why this man thought he needed to hold these poor kids up against the wall as though they were going to run away.  And I think he thought they might cast him in the show with the beard and the clothes.   There were a few men wandering around the parking lot with a similar look so I got out of there.


This is some sort of camper/trailer thing they had in the parking lot:


 And here's something they don't show on TV.  I assume they don't anyway.  I don't watch the show so maybe they do, but this is what's behind the Duck place.  Glamorous, huh?


At this point in my trip I was a couple of hours into it and things were fine.  I just kept driving and driving and driving.  And then I crossed the bridge over the Mississippi River:


Mississippi is when things went bad, y'all.

I have some family in Jackson and I had arranged to stop and meet one of my aunts at Cracker Barrel as I went through.  I told her I would be there between 3:00 and 4:00.  I called her at 3:00 when I was about 30 miles from Jackson to let her know how far away I was and she said she had been out running errands and got done early so she was already there sitting in a rocking chair waiting for me.

And then everything changed about 15 minutes later.

I came around a slight curve in the road and saw the most horrific thing.  A semi was stopping and pulling into the emergency lane.  A pick-up truck had stopped at a weird angle in front of me.  And cars had stopped in the emergency lane on the opposite side of the expressway and people were running as fast as they could through the median to my side of the road.  More people were jumping out of their cars on the other side of the road.  Right in front of the pick-up truck was an SUV in a crumpled mess laying on its side in the eastbound lanes.

Then I saw the people scattered all over the expressway.

The SUV was in the left lane where I was.  A lady was two lanes away in the emergency lane where she had been thrown from the car. 

Y'all, it was the most awful thing I've ever seen and it had happened mere seconds in front of me.  Had I been just a couple of seconds further up the road, that SUV could have flipped right into me.

I sat in my car and I prayed for those people.  The lady in the emergency lane wasn't moving.  People were running from everywhere.  I have no medical training and I figured I might just be in the way since there were already so many people swarming around the scene so I did what I knew I could do.  I prayed hard.

A man was in the median next to my car sobbing on the shoulder of another woman.  There were two young (pre-teen) boys sobbing and wandering around in circles.

I saw part of a person sticking out from under the SUV.  I saw a teenage boy sitting up in the median where he had been thrown.  I saw part of a person in the road in front of the SUV (he was partially hidden by the car).  There was another person completely hidden from my view by the car.

Within a couple of minutes police cars started coming.  An ambulance or two showed up.  A fire truck.  Then the life flight helicopter came and landed in the middle of the expressway.

What I learned later was that a bunch of people were headed westbound from a church event.  I guess they kind of had a caravan of vehicles.  A rear tire blew out, the driver lost control, flipped across the median and landed in the eastbound lanes.  In all, there were 8 people in the vehicle and 5 of them had been ejected in the crash.  Three people were life flighted.  Four people were in critical condition.  But miraculously there were no fatalities.  Most of the people I saw running across the median as I drove up were people who were in the caravan and they knew them.  I found out the man I saw sobbing in the median was the brother of one of the victims.  Oh, y'all.  It was so awful.  I've looked online to see if I could get an update but I can't find anything new about the accident.

I spoke with my aunt several times in the hour or so I stood there in the middle of the expressway.  I told her I didn't know how long I would be there and to not feel like she needed to wait.  Eventually a police officer told us they were shutting down the expressway probably for hours and we needed to cross the median and head back westbound.  I said a final prayer and then followed his instructions.

I had less than a quarter tank of gas so I stopped at the first exit I came to and as I stood there filling up I realized the man at the pump next to me had been standing on I-20 with me a few minutes previously.  I told him I was trying to get to Atlanta but had to meet my aunt at Cracker Barrel and asked if he could help me get around the accident and back on I-20.  He told me it was going to be a long detour but he wrote down directions for me.  I called my aunt and told her where he instructed me to go and that I was driving to meet her but I had no clue where I was or how long it would take.

"Do you see Highway 80?" she asked.

"I see cows."

"Do you see a college?" she asked.

"I see more cows.  Oh wait.  Now I see a horse!" I responded.  "But no college.  I'm definitely not seeing a campus of any sort."

I went to Flora, MS.  According to the internet, the population of Flora in 2012 was 1,896 people.  There are probably more cows than people living there.

Then I saw a sign that I was in Pocahontas, MS.  Do you know what?  I've never heard of that place before I was driving through it on Saturday in a completely unexpected turn of events.  I have been to Pocahontas, Arkansas though.  I spent an entire weekend there for a family thing.

By the time I sat at the scene of the accident and then went on this approximately fifty mile detour through the country to get around it, my poor aunt had been waiting at Cracker Barrel for TWO AND A HALF HOURS, y'all.  

And I couldn't possibly rush through dinner and then jump in my car after she waited that long.  So we sat and talked for over 2 hours.  By the time I was getting ready to leave Jackson, MS it was already 9:30 p.m. Atlanta time.  She begged me to drive an hour to her house and spend the night with her and my uncle, but I just wanted to be home by that point....even though I knew home was still a minimum of five and a half hours away.  I promised her if I started feeling sleepy or thought I couldn't make it that I would stop and get a hotel room, and then I hit the road again.

Aaaaannnnd crap.  I can't finish this because I have something I have to do here at work.  So you'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out how I was threatened by a police officer with arrest before I made it home.  It's really a post all of its own anyway.