How to look like a gorgeous model in very easy steps.

Okay, do any of you remember when I humiliated myself with the step-by-step makeup photos last year when I decided to be a Lichtenstein painting for Halloween?  Trust me, it was about as humiliating as it gets. 

Guess what?  That was so much fun, I'm doing it again today!! 

Are y'all ready for this?  I'm not entirely sure I am.  My mom is coming from Texas tomorrow to stay at my house for a week and I have two (and possibly three) friends coming in this Friday evening so I will have a house full of people this week.  We are going to the Halloween Festival in Little 5 Points on Saturday so I decided I better make sure I knew what I was doing and how long my makeup would take this year so yesterday I decided to practice.  Before I did my practice run of makeup yesterday, I had cleaned 3 bathrooms (SO MUCH FUN!), cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom, cleaned up my dining room after hosting a wild and crazy night of cards until late Saturday night, and I was on my second load of laundry, so I was already looking a bit haggard before I did this.  Which was good because I was going for a gross and disgusting look and I had a great head start - exhausted, tired, sweaty and gross.  I am a dream catch for some guy out there.....I don't know how I haven't been snatched up.

I started out by messily swiping and kind of patching my face with regular makeup, white makeup, and gray all over my face.  And I smudged black cream around my eyes. 

The frizzy and gray hair!  The eyes!  The patched on makeup!  The rattiest and most worn out tank top on the planet!  Behold the most beautiful woman of the blogosphere:

Then I apparently wanted to look like I had gotten into a fight.....and had my butt handed to me......so I added smudges of red around my eyes.

Cindy Crawford has nothing on me:

 

Then I decided to measure out some strips of paper towel on my cheek bones.

This is probably what Heidi Klum does every.single.day.

And then I stuck the paper towel strips on my cheeks with some liquid latex.

I think Gisele keeps liquid latex in her makeup bag for this very purpose:

And then it was time for the best product of all......BLOODY SCAB!

Elle MacPherson passed along this great tip when we were about to walk the runway one time:  Bloody Scab will contour your cheekbones like nothing else!  But she called it Croute de Sang because she likes to sound fancy.

OMG, y'all!  She was so right!  Just check out the contouring I got from using this stuff!  Y'all should listen to Elle's tips.  I decided to contour my neck as well because I liked it so much:

Y'all want to see how well it contoured both sides of my face though, right? 

I will never run out of Bloody Scab again as long as I live!  Oh excuse me.....Croute de Sang.  Elle told me I should practice talking fancier than a girl from Georgia normally does.

Then I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, I said, "Self, you have never looked better in your entire 46 years of life on this planet!  But maybe we need to work on the lips a little.  They kind of pale in comparison to your cheeks.  The cheeks shouldn't get all of the attention."  And I agreed with myself and I pulled out some black lipstick and the red cream makeup again.

Oh, y'all.  This was a wise, wise, wise decision on my part.  It's maybe the wisest makeup decision I have ever made in all my years of applying makeup.  But I started off sneaking my mom's makeup out of her bathroom after she left for work when I was in 7th grade, applying it while sitting at the bus stop using a teeny tiny mirror, so really, things could only improve from there, right?  This lipstick application is a culmination of years of practice. 

There still seemed to be a little bit of room for improvement so I thought and thought and thought some more to come up with what else I could do with the Bloody Scab.  Sorry, Elle.....the Croute de Sang.  It's really such a miracle product!

Well shit, y'all.  Why didn't I think of it before?  Let's put some of it coming out my nose!

I studied myself in the mirror and I still felt like something was missing.

A SAFETY PIN!!!!  Of course!  But I discovered I didn't have those huge safety pins so I'll run by the Clinique counter after work one day and pick up some from their "Hardware" line so I can complete my cheek look a little better than this:

I planned on washing that gray right out of my hair at the same time I was very sadly washing that Croute de Sang right off of my face, but in the meantime I wanted to spruce up my hair just a tad to go with my fabulous new makeup repertoire even if it was just me and the bathroom mirror (and the iPhone camera) that would get to enjoy it last night.

This is what I whipped up on the fly (and I decided to try and copy the disgusted and soulless look the best supermodels seem to always have because I think that's the real secret to their success):

Then I wondered if my look would be better if I was in some different lighting because I know that's always important too.  So I went into my bedroom with only daylight coming in the window and snapped a couple of more selfies:

 

I just love my new look!  How about y'all?

Well, I have been told they are fabulous, but this guy must have really thought so.

As you can all see, my goal of writing more regularly on here is going really well so far.

I always seem to have stuff to write about but I don't seem to make the time to sit and write it all out is the problem.   I've been hosting a lot of stuff at my house, I went on a date with a new boy (which Imma tell y'all about today), one of my neighbors moved far away, a couple of more things have broken in my house, work has been busy, busy, busy, etc.

Anyway, I think it's best that I just talk about one of those things today and that is the crazy ass date I went out on a few weeks ago.

Y'all, I have not given up on my relationship with HB, but I honestly just have no idea what exactly is going on with that whole situation and so I gave myself a certain deadline that some certain things needed to happen and/or change, and if they didn't and then someone came along I was feeling interested in, then I would explore it and see what happened.  And I have been doing a lot of crying and a lot of praying about the situation with HB if I'm being completely honest.  I begged God to give me a gigantic sign as to what I should do and I'm kind of getting some mixed signals.  But one of the signs was clearly telling me to keep holding out that the HB thing is going to work out okay.  Because HB is such a good and decent man, and I explored things with another guy who wasn't either of those things.

It was 9 days after my self-imposed deadline and I was at the grocery store after work looking rather haggard and I hate grocery shopping as it is, and there were some crazy people in the store that night such as the lady who was losing her ever loving shit because the fried chicken at the deli was not fresh out of the fryer and she didn't want to wait 20 minutes for them to cook more.  And honestly by the time she bitched out 3 people at the deli, the lady doing cooking demonstrations across from the deli, and a couple of managers, they could have cooked her some fresh chicken because I'm pretty sure she was screaming and making a scene for at least 20 minutes.

As I got in the line to check out, a guy came up in line behind me and leaned up right into my face and said, "You are absolutely beautiful."  And beautiful was the last thing I was feeling at that moment and he kind of startled me getting all up in my face so I jumped backwards away from him.  So he said, "Oh, I'm so sorry.  Am I being creepy?  I really don't want to be creepy.  I just think you are a beautiful woman."  So I told him thank you and then I noticed he only had two items so I let him go in front of me since I had half a buggy full of stuff.  He chatted with me, introduced himself, shook my hand, and then he walked out the door.  And it was incredibly flattering.

I checked out, walked out the door and I was walking towards my car when I heard him shouting my name and running up behind me.  He said, "I was wondering if it might be okay if I get your phone number so I can call you and we can get to know each other a bit better."  I told him that would probably be okay and then he said he would load my groceries in my car for me.  So I let him do that and then I gave him my number.  In the conversation he told me he is an actor and perhaps he could tell I was a bit skeptical so he pulled up something on his phone showing me he had an audition scheduled for the following week for a new show coming out on NBC this fall and that is how I saw his last name so I could Google him.  No, I'm not telling y'all his name because (1) he's not famous and I can promise you that you've never heard of him even though he has been in some very well known shows and a couple of movies; and (2) this is not going to be a very flattering story about him and I don't want to get charged with slander.  And I'm really bummed about (2) because holy crap is he a good looking guy and I hate that he turned out to not be a very decent guy (or at least not the type of guy I would ever want to be involved with romantically).  And there are quite a few things that I'm going to leave out of this story because I think it's for the best that they remain private but suffice it to say that they are also not flattering things.

About a week and a half  after meeting him at the grocery store, I had not heard from him and decided I had nothing to lose so I sent him a text telling him I hope he was having a great week and asking how his audition had gone.  He replied and said the audition had gone well but he had not heard anything so he didn't know if he had gotten the part.  And that's all he said.  So I responded and told him to feel free to call me sometime if he'd like.  And he responded and said he would.  And that's all he said.

About 5 minutes later he sent me another message and asked if he could be completely honest and upfront with me.  So I was expecting him to say that he was just trying to make me feel good about myself in the grocery store that evening or that he really had no interest in me or something along those lines.  I replied and told him he could be honest with me and asked him if he was about to hurt my feelings.  He said he didn't think so, however, he might offend me a bit.  I told him to go ahead because I'm not easily offended.  He wrote back and said he would like to get to know me better, but he's not looking for a serious relationship and he approached me because he liked how big my boobs are.  Alrighty.

I responded and said I was not offended because I realize my boobs are big.  We ended up talking via text and a few phone calls off and on for the rest of that evening and he seemed like a fun guy.  There were a few red flags going up for me, but he seemed safe to talk with.  We chatted a couple of more times during the following week and then he asked me if I wanted to go to lunch one day.  He is right down the street from my office so he said he'd pick me up and he did.  And this is where things go bad.

As soon as we pulled out of my building he said, "Damn!  Look at that girl's boobs!" about a girl walking down the sidewalk.  I looked at him and said, "Seriously?  Did you really just say that less than 60 seconds into our first date?"  He apologized profusely, but the damage was done.

As soon as we sat down at a table in the restaurant he said, "Hey......flash your boobs at me."  To which I responded, "You're insane if you really think that's going to happen."  And he said, "Before too long you'll be flashing them at me without me having to ask." And I said, "That will not be happening.  In fact, I can say with complete certainty that you are never going to see them in your lifetime."  And that is when we moved on to safer subjects such as his acting career, past relationships, business ideas and stuff he's working on, etc. 

So while I think I can be friends with him and he's a pretty interesting guy, I can say that I am not interested in him romantically even a tiny bit.  And I took it as a sign that maybe I just need to hold out for the HB situation to work itself out.