Monday, October 7, 2013

I cannot believe I'm putting these pictures on the internet

This weekend I did not leave my house.  But have no fear!  I did something ridiculous at my house and took photos so that you can all laugh at me.  I meant laugh with me.

No, I was right the first time.

I blew leaves and worked in the yard most of the afternoon Saturday.  Hilarious, right?  That's not the ridiculousness I was talking about.

Then I took apart a bathtub drain (also not the ridiculousness, although me doing anything plumbing related is kind of ridiculous) and pulled the equivalent of a wig out of it because fake daughter and I both have long hair and we share a bathroom even though I have four bathrooms in my house and I know that makes no sense.  It's the only bathroom on the floor where our bedrooms are because I have a weird house.

I have two bathrooms downstairs and two bathrooms upstairs.  But I also have two upstairs sections and they don't connect to each other so that's why we share a bathroom because it's the only one in our half of the upstairs.  Again, my house is insane.

Fake daughter has hair down to her waist.  And even though I've been following the Curly Girl Method for a couple of months now, I have this:





I also have multiple chins.  And let's hope the partner right across the hall from my cubicle had a great time watching me take selfies this morning.

Anyway, all of that hair is a bathtub drain's nightmare and I got all pit on that drain's azz this weekend and tore it apart and cleaned it out and that is one of the most disgusting things I've done in quite some time.

But then I decided on Saturday night that I would really get the wild and craziness started and practice my make-up for my Halloween costume because that's how I party.  I don't do drugs, I am drugs - Salvador Dali.

So this is how it all started:


This is what it looks like when you are 45-years-old, have no make-up on but you do have a wig cap on, and you've worked in the yard for half the day, scrubbed your kitchen, vacuumed the downstairs of your house, and then done a quite disgusting plumbing job and it's now 9:30 at night.  That is straight up sexiness and beauty right there.  And it's about to get even better, y'all.

But before I get started, I know from June's blog how you people are.  I will show y'all my make-up and stuff and the only questions y'all will ask are:  (1) What is that a painting of in the background; and (2) what is that thing in the floor behind you.

That thing in the floor that you may see is a litter box.

And the painting on the wall behind me is a weird butterfly piece I did a couple of years ago and this is what it looks like so we can put that question to rest right away:


It says, "Let your wings unfold.  Fly with those who encourage you."

I don't know why the wall looks kind of gold in that photo.  It's actually green.  Here's a bonus picture of another butterfly painting I did which is also in this hallway but you can't see it in any of the photos.  I like to paint butterflies.  They are easy to paint.


Anyway, let's get back to Halloween make-up.  As you can tell from my crazy hair photos, I don't wear a whole lot of make-up.  My chiropractor once asked me, "What is your lipstick color?  It's gorgeous and I think it would look good on my wife."  And I told him, "Um, it's called Chapstick."  And that's what I have on in those pictures up above too.  

So when I painted on my extra thick, very black eyebrows, I freaked the heck out, is what I did:

Shit.  This is not a good look for me.

Holy crap y'all.  That is hilarious looking!

Then I had to put on bright blue eyeshadow.  And a lot of it.  And make tear shapes under my eyes:

This does not appear to be going well.

Then I had to get busy with the liquid eyeliner.  Guess what I've never used in my entire life?  Liquid eyeliner.  I'm glad this was only a practice session because I realized from this little experiment that I need to apply it with a much steadier hand next time.  This was also the point when I got hit with a major hot flash and had to go get myself a fan and plug it in the bathroom and blast myself with cold air: 


I have no words.

Believe it or not, I am not dressing up as a rabid clown hunting its next meal for Halloween.  And hello there, litter box.

After the eyes were semi finished, I had to use a black waxy crayon type thing from the Halloween store to outline my entire face, outline my lips, and OMG, put black in my nostrils which is something that is totally bizarre, and add some other random marks on my face.  This just keeps getting better and sexier:

 I'm not your average white girl.

And now it's time for bright, fire engine red lipstick.  On me.  The girl who wears Chapstick every single day of her life:

 Well, this is just getting worse by the second.

That lipstick is from the Geisha costume line of the Spirit Halloween store if any of you want to get some.  I'm also not dressing up as a sad Geisha girl for Halloween.  Or a rabid Geisha girl.

Have any of you figured out what I'm going to be yet?  

Me neither from the looks of how this was going so far.

It's official.  I need to be committed.

I love how my old man pieces of short new hair growth have now started coming out from under the lovely wig cap and are sticking out.  I've never worn a wig cap before.  Turns out I could have cut up and stuck some old pantyhose on my head because that's all it is. 

Now it's time to add my very natural looking red pageboy wig:

Sadly, this is the completed look.  Yes.  This is as good as it's going to get.

And there you have it!  I am a Roy Lichtenstein-ish pop art/comic book girl.  Except when I do it next time I'm going to have a steadier hand.  And I'm going to make smaller dots on my face.  And I have a comic book necklace and stuff to wear.  I'm also going to make a quotation bubble out of paper and pin it to my shirt that says something such as:  Oh Jeff...I Love You, Too....But.... which is one of his famous ones.


After I laughed myself sick and into a coma at how ridiculous I looked, I thought I should get that crap washed off my face pronto.

I scrubbed my face THREE times with heavy duty cleanser.  I still had black around my lips, all over my eyelids, down the side of my face, and all up under my eyes.

I then used an entire cap full of Vitamin E oil and half a box of cotton swabs and finally got that mess off my face.

And this is why I will never use liquid eye liner again.  Except when I dress up to go to the Halloween parade in a couple of weeks.  And when I dress up to hand out candy in my 'hood.

The End.

14 comments:

  1. 1. How are you 45 years old and I see no pores, no wrinkles, no laugh lines. DAMMIT I want your makeup free face!
    III. You are incredibly talented. Those butterflies are beautiful. And, they may be easy for you to paint - but for me, well I may as well be trying to paint the Last Supper.
    p. I will trade you my stick straight hair any day of the week.
    Z4. Your Halloween makeup is awesome.

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    1. "but for me, well I may as well be trying to paint the Last Supper."

      Too funny, but I'm at the same table with you.

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  2. Heh, I figured out it was a Lichtenstein by picture 3--mostly because I've thought of doing it myself :)

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  3. You are a very, very, very young looking 45. You look as though you are in your twenties.

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  4. But you have a lovely face! And lovely hair! Why the frowning?

    That last photo is HILARIOUS!!!!!

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  5. Even if I didn't know you, I would be able to tell how artistic you are just by the way you used your face as a canvas. And then the butterflies provided extra proof. Your makeup and hair look terrific. How fun! And as everyone already said, you don't look your age with your amazing complexion.

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  6. I don't know from Lichtenstein, but I do recognize the cartoon gal you printed. You went to a lot of work with your makeup, and even more removing it. Your natural lip color is similar to my lipstick color. Just thought you'd like to know. Love your butterfly paintings. Be sure to show us your final makeup job on Halloween.

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  7. Everything karen said above. ^

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  8. Oh, how I love this post!!!! You are just too funny!!! I think your hair looks great and your Halloween costume is fantastic!

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  9. Great job on the makeup! What a fun costume. Ditto what everyone else said, you DO NOT look your age! You are gorgeous and your skin.....flawless! *jealous*
    I love, love, love your butterfly pictures! Butterflies hold a very special place in my heart, since my son passed. I've often thought about trying to paint one for my grand daughter but I'm afraid she wouldn't be able to recognize what it was!! You have tons of talent!

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  10. Maybe I should be an insomniac because you don't have any dark circles or bags either!
    Your costume will be great. Can't wait to see it all together.

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  11. Ima try this ONE MORE TIME. Stupid iphone.
    Just caught up on your posts since July. Yikes! Spent the weekend laughing my fool head off at your crazybusyhilarious and sometimes frightening life. And I thought I'VE been busy!
    Love your costume and makeup idea...especially how the dots match the blog background. You are truly an artist, Beverly!

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  12. what's that thing in the background?

    lol...just kidding - i crack myself up. awesome job on the costume!

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  13. Your hair really looks great. That last photo just cracked me up!

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