Monday, October 13, 2014

How to look like a gorgeous model in very easy steps.

Okay, do any of you remember when I humiliated myself with the step-by-step makeup photos last year when I decided to be a Lichtenstein painting for Halloween?  Trust me, it was about as humiliating as it gets. 

Guess what?  That was so much fun, I'm doing it again today!! 

Are y'all ready for this?  I'm not entirely sure I am.  My mom is coming from Texas tomorrow to stay at my house for a week and I have two (and possibly three) friends coming in this Friday evening so I will have a house full of people this week.  We are going to the Halloween Festival in Little 5 Points on Saturday so I decided I better make sure I knew what I was doing and how long my makeup would take this year so yesterday I decided to practice.  Before I did my practice run of makeup yesterday, I had cleaned 3 bathrooms (SO MUCH FUN!), cleaned my kitchen from top to bottom, cleaned up my dining room after hosting a wild and crazy night of cards until late Saturday night, and I was on my second load of laundry, so I was already looking a bit haggard before I did this.  Which was good because I was going for a gross and disgusting look and I had a great head start - exhausted, tired, sweaty and gross.  I am a dream catch for some guy out there.....I don't know how I haven't been snatched up.

I started out by messily swiping and kind of patching my face with regular makeup, white makeup, and gray all over my face.  And I smudged black cream around my eyes. 

The frizzy and gray hair!  The eyes!  The patched on makeup!  The rattiest and most worn out tank top on the planet!  Behold the most beautiful woman of the blogosphere:

Then I apparently wanted to look like I had gotten into a fight.....and had my butt handed to I added smudges of red around my eyes.

Cindy Crawford has nothing on me:

Then I decided to measure out some strips of paper towel on my cheek bones.

This is probably what Heidi Klum does

And then I stuck the paper towel strips on my cheeks with some liquid latex.

I think Gisele keeps liquid latex in her makeup bag for this very purpose:

And then it was time for the best product of all......BLOODY SCAB!

Elle MacPherson passed along this great tip when we were about to walk the runway one time:  Bloody Scab will contour your cheekbones like nothing else!  But she called it Croute de Sang because she likes to sound fancy.

OMG, y'all!  She was so right!  Just check out the contouring I got from using this stuff!  Y'all should listen to Elle's tips.  I decided to contour my neck as well because I liked it so much:

Y'all want to see how well it contoured both sides of my face though, right? 

I will never run out of Bloody Scab again as long as I live!  Oh excuse me.....Croute de Sang.  Elle told me I should practice talking fancier than a girl from Georgia normally does.

Then I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, I said, "Self, you have never looked better in your entire 46 years of life on this planet!  But maybe we need to work on the lips a little.  They kind of pale in comparison to your cheeks.  The cheeks shouldn't get all of the attention."  And I agreed with myself and I pulled out some black lipstick and the red cream makeup again.

Oh, y'all.  This was a wise, wise, wise decision on my part.  It's maybe the wisest makeup decision I have ever made in all my years of applying makeup.  But I started off sneaking my mom's makeup out of her bathroom after she left for work when I was in 7th grade, applying it while sitting at the bus stop using a teeny tiny mirror, so really, things could only improve from there, right?  This lipstick application is a culmination of years of practice. 

There still seemed to be a little bit of room for improvement so I thought and thought and thought some more to come up with what else I could do with the Bloody Scab.  Sorry, Elle.....the Croute de Sang.  It's really such a miracle product!

Well shit, y'all.  Why didn't I think of it before?  Let's put some of it coming out my nose!

I studied myself in the mirror and I still felt like something was missing.

A SAFETY PIN!!!!  Of course!  But I discovered I didn't have those huge safety pins so I'll run by the Clinique counter after work one day and pick up some from their "Hardware" line so I can complete my cheek look a little better than this:

I planned on washing that gray right out of my hair at the same time I was very sadly washing that Croute de Sang right off of my face, but in the meantime I wanted to spruce up my hair just a tad to go with my fabulous new makeup repertoire even if it was just me and the bathroom mirror (and the iPhone camera) that would get to enjoy it last night.

This is what I whipped up on the fly (and I decided to try and copy the disgusted and soulless look the best supermodels seem to always have because I think that's the real secret to their success):

Then I wondered if my look would be better if I was in some different lighting because I know that's always important too.  So I went into my bedroom with only daylight coming in the window and snapped a couple of more selfies:

I just love my new look!  How about y'all?


  1. You are AMAZING with makeup artistry! Absolutely amazing!!!

  2. You will blend right in with the rest of the crowd in Little Five Points. LOL!

  3. Your artistic talent is shining through. Like Tee said, you will fit right in. Remember when you met that couple visiting Atlanta and the girl wanted you to apply the same Lichtenstein painting makeup you were wearing to her face? Well, I'm sure there will be someone this Saturday wanting you to apply their makeup, too.