The one in which there is a Smurf at the Dump

Take a look at the situation I have going on in my kitchen right now:

That table is a little large for the room, don't you think?  It's kind of in the way.  It's a lot in the way actually.  It's like June Gardens' hair after rain and sex.  It's big is what I'm saying.

Bailey thinks it's a super cool thing to sit under.  She rarely sat under it when it was in the dining room, but now that it's in the kitchen she can't stay out from under it.  Cats are weird.

This table is why I found myself dealing with a Southern California Smurf on Saturday afternoon.

The somewhat boring backstory of how this Goliath of a table ended up blocking my kitchen door.....

My parents divorced a few years ago.  And they are both remarried now.  And I've been with Hot Brazilian for almost 6 years and I'm not married yet.  Because we are apparently taking things slowly....or geriatrically if you ask me.  I'm going to need false teeth by the time we get around to marriage.  My ovaries are going to be all shriveled up.  I'll be using reading glasses.  I won't be able to climb the stairs in my house by the time we say, "I do".  He'll have to spoon feed me on our honeymoon.

My mom reconnected with an old high school boyfriend which is how she ended up marrying someone who lives in Texas and not here in Atlanta.  He was living in a corporate apartment when she moved out there last summer, and I was in the middle of buying my house.  (Which almost killed me it was so stressful.)  So anyway, we put a lot of my mom's furniture in storage for 2 months and then I offered to "store" it for her in my house after I moved in and until they bought a place and decided what they needed.  This table was one of those pieces of furniture.  And I haven't shown you the 6 chairs that go with it which are crowding my reading nook.

End backstory.....

(Have y'all noticed yet that I am very wordy?)  News flash:  I am wordy.

So my mom was here from Texas a couple of weeks ago, she and her husband moved into their new home about 4 weeks ago, and she went through my house and decided what furniture she would take. 

One of the things she is taking is her 90" dining room table.

And I said, "Carp.  I have no money but everyone seems to congregate at my house now so I need to buy a new dining room table and chairs so they don't have to sit in a circle on the floor with their plates in their laps."

(Side note:  I just ran to the breakroom to get a cup of coffee and was throwing something in the trash.  Someone had thrown away a box from their "Urinary Pain Medication".  And now I'm hoping no one saw me walk out and then walked in behind me and thought it was mine because I'm already known around my office as the girl who gets pedicures and falls down and breaks stuff.  I don't need to also be known as the girl who has burning and urgent urination issues.)

Anyway, this is how I ended up in a furniture store on Saturday because I had a couple of hours before I had to drive out to Snellville to the Hot n' Cold Chinese Buffet to meet my family for dinner.  Yes, Snellville.  It's a real place and it's where I spent my pre-teen and teen years living out in the 'burbs near Atlanta.  Yes, Hot n' Cold Chinese Buffet.  My brother stated that if the only thing they have to brag about is that they have hot food and cold food then we may be in trouble.

So before I went to the Hot n' Cold Chinese Buffet in Snellville, I went to The Dump.  Because I apparently wanted to vist the best named places in all of Atlanta within a 3 hour time period. 

I had been once before when they first opened and found their furniture to be odd but I am odd so I decided to just pop in and see what they might have.

And within 20 feet of the front door, I found my dining room table.  I will post photos of it after I get it delivered.  It is unique.  Like me. 

And then the Southern California Smurf approached me.

My salesman had on bright smurf blue from head to ankle.  And then it transitioned to the pointiest shoes I've ever seen.  They were soft white leather with a tan strip across the toe.  And I wanted to take a photo SO BAD but I get caught anytime I try to do stuff like that.  He was also apparently involved in a very long term relationship.....with the tanning bed and hair bleach.  He had the total Southern Californian look.  Only Smurfish.  And he told me during the course of our discussions that he had worked in the gym business for over 10 years before he went into furniture sales.

Then he "casually" mentioned that he sells belts that zap you with an electric current to help you lose weight.  And I didn't get it quite yet that he was totally judging me too. 

I have spent so much cash in the past 6 months on the downpayment for my house, every appliance one needs in a house, squirrels in my attic, repairing a major roof leak that popped up during tornado producing storms, landscaping, and co-pays for ambulances, ER visits, doctors visits, PT, etc., so I told Mr. Smurf I needed to save the tiny bit of cash I have left and that I would like to open a 12 months no interest account. 

And he looked me up and down and then said, "um, yeah, we can't really do that.  We don't really have 12 months no interest here.  Besides, to get even a shorter term no interest account you have to spend over $2,000 and you're not buying that much.  But I definitely can't get you a full 12 months no interest.  So I can't really help you."

And I said, "but your commerical on TV for Memorial Day says you do.  Oh well.  I guess we don't have a deal and I won't be buying this dining room today.  Thanks for your help anyway.  Have a great rest of your weekend!"  And I started to walk away.

He hemmed and hawed and reluctantly agreed to "try".  I gave him my information, he entered it, and his eyebrows shot up.  And then he stammered, "what else do you need today?  Wow.  You have Class A credit and you've been approved for (dollar amount).  You can buy way more stuff!  And I can definitely get you 12 months no interest.  Let's go look at some more furniture for your house!!!"

And I said, "um, yeah.  I don't think so."

And even though I was admittedly judging him based on his appearance, I got mad when I had finally realized he was doing the very same thing to me.  And I later realized I had no right to be mad since I was judging too.  And then I was mad that I couldn't be mad at him.  And then I got over it because it's kind of stupid to waste my energy on being mad that I can't be mad at a Southern California Smurf furniture salesman.

Anyway, my new furniture will be delivered this Saturday because that's the only Saturday they had openings in the next few weeks and they won't hold stuff more than about 2 weeks.

So after my hippie friend/landscaper got me drunk on margaritas Monday afternoon, I asked her if she would help me move this table out of the dining room because I don't know yet when my mom's movers are coming to get it and I had to have it out of the way so my new stuff can be delivered.  And I'm not supposed to be lifting more than 5 pounds or so.  I'm blaming the margaritas.  They made me do it.  And my arm hurts a little bit more now and I hope I don't have to tell my doctor I reinjured my broken arm because I got drunk and moved a heavy table because I bought a new one from a Southern California Smurf at The Dump before I drove to Snellville for dinner at the Hot n' Cold Chinese Buffet (where I ate quesadillas, green beans, fried plantains and pineapple which are not very Asian foods).  Dang those margaritas were good.  My friend already wants to go back there and have more.  So do I.

And that is how I ended up with a 90 inch table in the doorway of my kitchen.  Smurfs and margaritas.  They mess up your house.