In which I give thanks for my lady bits.

Are y’all ready for my weekly excuse(s) as to why I haven’t written sooner?  How ridiculous am I? 

Honestly, I’ve kind of been feeling weird this past week and I wasn’t sure I wanted to say anything or not so I just kept my mouth shut.  And then my mom arrived from Texas and she’s not a fan of sharing anything on the internet so I couldn’t exactly explain that I needed to go share the stupidity of my life on a blog and not spend time with her.  She’ll be here until Saturday so don’t expect much blogging from me until this weekend either. 

But anyway, y’all want to hear about my lady bits?  Because that’s what made me feel all weird this week.  I mean, not physically.  My lady bits feel just fine.  But I’m not entirely sure that they are.  Fine I mean. 

I have fibroids so I have to have an ultrasound when I go for my yearly gross girly doctor visit.  And imagine my surprise the first time I had to have the ultrasound and assumed they would do it on the outside of my stomach as though I'm pregnant with child (I am not pregnant with child so please do not start any rumors) and then they held up a wand and told me exactly how they planned to do it.  “You’re going to do what?” That’s what I said when they told me.  And then they have you on the table with a monitor right above your head with the tech’s arm draped all across your leg and they tell you to let your legs fall open and “just relax” since that’s the most relaxing and not at all compromising position to be in, and I say all kinds of stupid things about the blobs that show up on the monitor because my mouth has no filter. 

But anyway, I went for my ultrasound and yearly gross girl doctor visit this past Tuesday morning.  And after the ultrasound was done and the nurse was taking my blood pressure and I had to wee in a cup while trying not to wee all over my hand, and I was refusing to be weighed (seriously, I tell them each year I don’t want to be weighed and they don’t do it.  I was shocked it worked the first time and I never plan to be weighed again because I do not want to be prescribed depression meds by my gyno), the nurse casually says, “your temperature is fine, your blood pressure is perfect and oh by the way, the doctor wants to do an endometrial biopsy while you’re already in here if that’s okay.”  And I said, “is this because I refused to be weighed?  Because you can totally weigh me and tell me how bad I need to lose weight in lieu of saying I need a biopsy.  I actually ALREADY KNOW that I’m fat in case you’re wondering.  I just don’t want to know exactly how fat I am is all.” 

It turns out some stuff showed up on the ultrasound and in combination with me having one of the worst cycles of my life a couple of weeks ago, they want to see what’s going on and make sure I have no abnormal cells growing and stuff. 

Have any of you had an endometrial biopsy?  I can now add something else to my List of Extremely Unpleasant Things I Never Want to Repeat.  (It contains things such as almost drowning as a toddler and being saved by my older brother, divorce, sitting through a Tom Cruise movie, finding a snake in my driveway (twice in the past 6 months), tripping on a flip flop and breaking my humerus in 4 places and wearing a body brace for a long time, dying my hair the wrong color, living in a house during a construction project, having my boyfriend living out of the country for a very long time, dealing with an obnoxious and mean spouse after the death of one of my parents, stepping in dog poop in my yard and not realizing it until I got to work and the stench started making my eyes and my co-workers’ eyes water, having the elastic in my slip break and it falling down to my ankles while at work in a meeting with a client (yes….true story), telling a room full of people kind of loudly (twice because they said “WHAT?!" after the first time I said it) that my boss was grabbing his package,  losing one shoe at a college football game BECAUSE IT FELL INTO THE HEDGES on the sideline of the University of Georgia football field and having to walk across campus to my dorm with one shoe on, and accidentally squirting dark brown paint all down the leg of a customer’s pants when I was teaching a painting class and then helping her wash them in the bathroom sink and have her sit in my class WITH NO PANTS ON with 60 people.)  Anyway, this whole biopsy business has freaked me out.  Because have I told y’all about my family’s cancer history?  It’s rich.  Rich with cancer.  My biological mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 26 and died when she was 28 (I was 5).  My dad had prostate cancer.  My younger brother had testicular cancer.  My older brother has had pre-cancerous skin things removed.  Two aunts (one of each side of my family) have had breast cancer and one died from it.  My cousin had breast cancer.  Another cousin had lung cancer even though she’s never smoked.  My grandfather died of a brain tumor.  My grandmother had stomach cancer and colon cancer.  Do y’all want me to keep going?  So they keep a close watch on me.  Especially because I’ve gone through multiple cyst aspirations and have had fibroids for a few years.  And now I’ve been keeping a close watch on my phone waiting for the call with the pathology results.  I should know something today or tomorrow.  Just in time for Thanksgiving.  Hopefully I will be giving thanks for the results. 

Then I went for my mammogram at 8:00 on Saturday morning because I can think of no better way to start my weekend than getting up at 6:30 and leaving my house by 7:30 for a fun mammogram.  The rest of the weekend was good though.  But anyway, y’all please keep me in your thoughts.  Yes.  I’m asking y’all to think good thoughts about my lady bits because that is how I roll. 

Let’s move on to Music Monday. 

Next time I will post results for last week AND this week because I’m trying to type this post in stealth mode at work by typing it in Word to look like I’m working on a document and then I’m going to quickly cut and paste it into my blog while I'm at the office since my mom is staying at my house and I can’t do it there, and I cannot pull up You Tube videos with people walking behind my desk every 45 seconds.  My life is stupid. 

This week’s theme is lady bits!  Just kidding.  This week’s theme is this:  the title(s) of the song(s) you submit must contain something you’re thankful for - whether your thankful for stuff like kittens, food, love, flowers, or you’re not like me at all and you’re more into giving thanks for chores (Laundry Room by The Avett Brothers), crime (I Shot the Sheriff), or bad weather (Riders on the Storm).  And give us a little explanation if you feel like it (and especially if it needs some explanation.  If you’re thankful for laundry, that will need some explaining in my opinion.)  I just want to know what all of you are thankful for. 

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I’m thankful for the friendships I’ve made with all of you!