My finger is getting quite the workout and should be in excellent shape soon.

Do y'all want to play Music Monday again?  We'll start back today but I'll get to it in a bit.

Lemme tell y'all about my exciting weekend first.  Okay, let me tell you about my pretty normal and not very interesting weekend.  Because it wasn't really all that exciting.

Well, let's not do that first.  Let's talk about something else for a minute.

Why no, I've never been diagnosed with ADHD.  Why would you even wonder such a thing?

FIRST, let's talk about this:  how do you parents do this for years and years and years?  These are not even my kids and they're grown enough that I don't have to change diapers or anything like that (they're 18 and 21 - I don't need to change diapers, right?  'Cause I haven't been doing that but I'm brand new at parenting) but I'm completely exhausted y'all!  And why are kids so damned messy?  I now totally understand when people say they can't have nice things because they have kids.  Between the two temporary kids I have and a geriatric cat with stomach issues, I feel like I clean every single second I'm not at work or asleep.  Or in physical therapy.  Or at the chiropractor.  Or driving the kids to Target or Walmart or the grocery store or to drop them off at the train station or to pick them up at the train station or to take them to church or to take them to a job interview.  My word.  How do y'all do this and not give them away after a little while?  I've only been doing it for 5.5 weeks and I feel like I need an entire year of solitude and vacation.

They bought a car.  But they haven't gotten it insured or registered yet.  And the girl has been waiting on her international drivers license which I never knew existed until I called around to find out what they have to do and what documentation they need to get a license here.  One day last week while I was at work they decided to go get groceries which I appreciate, but they drove their car to the store.  With no valid license.  No insurance.  And no registration.  Oh I yelled.  I waved my finger in their faces (that's a parent thing I should be doing a lot of, right?).  And I told them if they get arrested I will let their butts sit in jail and rot there because I can't afford to bail them out.  And I told them to enjoy their flight back to Brazil when they get deported.  (That's something y'all probably can't use to threaten your kids but I'm using it to my advantage.  See?  I'm learning this parenting thing rather quickly!)  Actually, we all kind of got a big laugh out of it and they thought I was hilarious when I was yelling at them and telling them they would get arrested and I'd leave them in jail and that they'd probably get deported.  But they got the message.  They won't drive the car again until it's legal.

They actually are really good kids, but they are keeping me busy, busy, busy (I put that in on the off chance June is reading so she can love me).  And I was already busy, busy, busy enough on my own.  What are some good vitamins for energy?  Because I need to swallow them by the truckload every morning.

So our weekend was not the most exciting.  I had physical therapy after work on Friday night because I know how to have a good time.  Unfortunately, she said I should not have stopped wearing my splint/brace thing all cold turkey like I did even though my doctor told me I could, but she bartered with me.  I don't have to wear it while I'm working so that I can type, but I have to wear it all of the other time.  Like when I'm driving those kids all over Atlanta.  And wagging my finger in their faces and yelling and threatening them with deportation.

After PT, I went for an hour of solitude and got a pedicure.  And I didn't fall down afterwards and break anything.  A girl came in the salon 15 minutes after they officially closed (I was done but sitting there waiting for my toes to dry and they were still finishing up a lot of other people).  They agreed to take her for a mani and pedi even though they were closed and where do you think they had her sit?  Right beside me.  That's how I came to hear her getting all snippy with the girl who was starting on her pedi by telling her to go find someone to start her mani RIGHT NOW because she needed to be somewhere and they were taking too long.  I got up and left at that point so that I didn't punch her in her junk and get put in jail where I would rot for a while and then get deported to Brazil.  (I think jail threats should be fair and work both ways between temporary parents and temporary children.)

My female child has a job as a nanny and she had to work on Saturday.  So my male child and I cleaned.  ALL DAY because kids make houses messy.  Were y'all all aware of this?  I spent almost half the day just on my kitchen.  They cook but let's just say they are not the neatest cooks on planet earth.  And I appreciate them emptying the dishwasher (after some finger wagging on my part and me explaining to them that I didn't actually give birth to them, that I'm giving them a free place to stay, and that they are not paying me to be their maid), etc. but I'm constantly trying to figure out where they have put stuff so I went through cabinets putting things back where they belong and I completely straightened the pantry because they just throw everything on one shelf all on top of everything else and it was MAKING ME BATSHIT CRAZY.  Especially since my pantry has a french door so you can't hide it when it's messy.

So we cleaned all day. 

On Sunday I went to a brunch baby shower.  One of my bosses and his wife are expecting their first baby at the end of the month.  So I went and hung out at a baby shower with a whole bunch of attorneys and their spouses.  It was fun since I don't spend all day every day hanging out with attorneys or anything.

Then I came home and had a headache so I laid down for 45 minutes.  The kids and I went to church last night.  The church gave us free popsicles to celebrate the beginning of summer because I go to a super cool church.  They are from a gourmet popsicle maker called King of Pops and the kids missed the part on the sign that said the chocolate ones had sea salt in them.  And boy were they surprised when they bit into their pops.  The girl child (I have to come up with better blog names for them) liked it after she ate for a while and got used to it.  The boy child hated it.  Apparently Brazilians do not mix chocolate and salt.  Because they are not as cool as us.

Then we went out for bar-b-q because I've been craving it for about 3 weeks (no I'm not pregnant.  I get my children when they are grown already.  Are you paying attention at all?)

So yeah.  That was the exciting weekend.

Let's get to Music Monday now!  This week's theme is as follows:  The songs you submit must be related to parenting.  I have a couple in mind already but let's see what y'all can come up with.

Surprise! It's a girl and a boy!

Wow.  How do I possibly catch up on all that has happened since I last posted.  ON MARCH 8TH!! 

I will do my best.  Go get something to drink because I have a feeling this will be wordy.  I'm only going to discuss the big things that have happened.  Trust me.  It's been a big thing type of couple of months.

On March 13th at 3:00 a.m. I was really, really thirsty.  I didn't want to turn on the bright light and get really, really awake when I walked downstairs to get some water.  So I walked down the stairs with my cell phone to light the way.  I made it to the landing just fine.  As I started to step down on the very last step, my cat came flying past me and broke my concentration just enough that I fell.  I broke my wrist.  I sprained my middle back.  I got whiplash to the point that for two days I was unable to hold my head up and then I fell asleep with a heating pad on it and blistered my neck.  I now have two of the most spectacularly stupid broken arm stories to tell at parties:  "Well, you see - one February I tripped over my flip flop in a crack in the sidewalk after a pedicure, flew headfirst into the front door of the Five Guys Burgers I was walking past, broke my humerus in 4 places, went by bumpy ambulance to the hospital and spent a total of almost 9 months in body braces, casts, slings, and physical therapy.  Then 5 months later my cat made me fall down a step and break the same arm but in a different place, sprain my back and get whiplash."  I went to my cute neighbor girl's birthday party/annual crawfish boil at the end of March and people who had been there last year said, "Um, weren't you in a cast at this party last year?"  YES!  YES, I WAS annoying observant people with good memories.....

So I was in a cast for a month.  Then I was in a splint for a month and now I have to wear the splint for the next month only when I lift something or if it's bothering me.  (I didn't blog because after typing with mostly one hand all day at work, I was not up for typing an entire blog post.  Plus I'm not good at blogging regularly.)  I now go to the chiropractor 2 or 3 times per week.  And I now go to physical therapy 2 times per week.  I feel like I'm 120 years old and everything is falling apart.  I'm going to the same physical therapist I went to last year.  Yes, she laughed at me a little bit for being back so soon.  Then she analyzed and evaluated my wrist and hand and told me we have a lot more work to do than I expected she was going to tell me I needed.  She compared my broken side with the non-broken one and just as an example, with my right hand I could squeeze 78 lbs of pressure.  My left?  28 pounds.  And she measured angles of how far I could bend both hands.  One of them was 50 degrees on my right hand and only 15 degrees on the left.  Oh boy.

Two days after I broke my wrist, my office was moved to our post-remodel floor.  So someone had to pack my entire desk up for me and he loved me so bad it hurt.  Not as much as my wrist, back and neck hurt though.  But I could feel the love oozing from his pores because he had to pack up my stuff.

Then he had to unpack it all at my new desk.  And I could see cute little puffy hearts floating in the air above his head because his love for me was so great.

I finally got my car all fixed.  I know you've all been waiting on the edge of your seats to hear about that.  $1,400.  I don't even want to talk about it because that dollar amount makes me want to sob, so you're off the hook hearing all the boring car stuff.

Then I hosted the Atlanta Pie Peeps at my house in April (some of you probably already saw the photos on June's blog) and I got to see Tee, Sadie, Fay and we met the lovely, sweet, awesome PJ and I honestly felt like I had known her for all my life.  One of my friends came and joined us and she loved everyone.  And thankfully my geriatric cat with chronic tummy issues didn't do anything embarassing during the party.  Poor Tee was suffering from horrible allergies and she stole one of my spoons y'all.  You should not invite Thief Tee to your house.  She just helps herself to your silverware.  Ha!  It accidentally got stuck in her dish she brought and she boxed it up nicely and delivered it back to my front porch in a matter of a couple of days which she totally didn't have to do.  But Tee is a sweet lady.

Five days after the Pie party, I inherited a couple of kids. 

Y'all, this is SUCH a crazy and involved and long story and it's not my place to explain it all here on my blog, but Hot Brazilian thought he would be back here by now and two of his kids moved here but he's still stuck in the jungle so they have been staying at my house for almost a month.  And they don't know the extent of just how close and involved Hot Brazilian and I are so they think we are just friends.  And Fay is now not a fan of HB so I told her we need to go out to dinner so I can tell her the whole story so she won't dislike him because it really isn't his fault.  He is one of the most awesome people on the planet and I know this all sounds so insane.  Because it IS insane.  And I'm, um, you know, um....adjusting to some major changes in my life.  Fay!  Call me!  Seriously, I want to have dinner just so we can hang out together, but I also don't want you to think poorly of HB.

I'm teaching them all about American culture.  I'm helping them look at schools, find jobs, taking them to job interviews, helping them buy a car (no, I'm not paying, just teaching them how to buy one here), how to get a drivers license, car registration, car insurance, looking for apartments, how to clean when you don't live in a concrete building and can't just throw water all over the walls and floor and watch it go down a drain (they had never vacuumed and didn't even know what a mop was.  HA!), and basically everything else they need to know to establish a life here in the U.S.  And do y'all know what?  I AM EXHAUSTED.  Between that, working full-time, physical therapy, chiropractor visits, the five commissioned paintings I am supposed to be doing, and not being able to run around my house with no bra on, I am worn slap out.

And my mom and an aunt came and stayed with us for a few days too.  So naturally that's when one of my water heaters broke.  A guy came out while it was pouring rain to fix it so that's how I also found out my crawl space has been flooding during heavy rainstorms.  So then I suddenly found myself hiring him to put some flashing on my deck, re-route some gutters, and before I knew it, told him to go ahead and completely refinish my deck while he was at it.  He got my water heater re-lit.  My mom took a shower and then it broke again.  So then I hired him to replace some parts on the water heater.

And then my one-year-old stupid expensive stove broke.

I came home Monday night, walked in the front door and it was sparking, clicking, beeping, numbers were flashing, etc.  And the girl child I suddenly inherited was cooking on it like it was okay.  Argh!  I screamed at her to turn it off, called Jenn-Air, got flustered with the sweet southern accented lady who told me to pull off the decorative plate under the oven, crawl on my hands and knees (I was still in my maxi dress that I have accidentally stepped on resulting in me having flashed a security guard at work while wearing it and I was crawling around on the floor in it, sweating profusely, with this annoying non-stop beeping going on and with an 18-year-old boy in the room watching me) and try to read the smallest writing in the world on a label way back halfway under the stove where it was dark, then she asked me if I could look at my registration card (who the hell knows where that is?), find my receipt to get some information off of it, try to flip the breaker off, leave it off for 30 seconds and turn it back on and then argued with me when I told her it was still beeping and the screen on the stove didn't say what she said it should, so I got snippy with her, held the phone down to the stove so she could hear the stupidly annoying BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP I had been listening to for 30 minutes by that time, and I hated everyone and everything.  She finally said, flip the breaker off and we'll get a service rep out there.  THANK YOU ANNOYING SOUTHERN ACCENT LADY!

Yesterday the stove worked perfectly.

But I kept the service call scheduled for this morning.  He said a couple of parts need to be replaced but naturally they have to be ordered and I have to have another service call in a couple of weeks but the good news is my stove is apparently not going to blow my house up.

He left and then as I was driving to work a guy called and said he would be at my house shortly to fix my stove.  And I said, "oh, the parts are available today?" And he said, "Huh?"  We eventually figured out they scheduled two different people to come fix my stove.  I must have been snippier than I thought and that poor lady on the phone wanted to be absolutely sure I got my stove looked at!

That should catch you up on the bigger things that have been happening in my life.

How are all of you?  I do still plan to do Music Monday again.  Maybe this next week!

Seriously? Crazy stuff always happen to me, but this? This was the most surreal thing I think I've ever been through.

For the love of Pete, y’all.  (I’ve always wondered who that poor Pete is that has his name used in that way.)  This past two weeks have been insanely crazy.  And I am only going to write for a certain length of time because I’m sneaking this post in from work while my boss is out for the afternoon, but two of the partners on my team have challenged each other to a rap battle at 5:00 and if you think I am missing that because of writing on my blog, you are crazier than I am.  And then I have to leave immediately after that because I’ll be getting into overtime which is frowned upon.  So if this post ends quite abruptly, you now know why. 

Something happened last week that I never dreamed in a bazillion years I would be involved in.  Some of you are already aware if you’re friends with me on Facebook or saw my comment on BBP. 

But before I get to that, I will update you on things from my last post.  First of all, I am still flipping sick.  I cannot kick this cold or whatever the crap it is.  This Sunday will be 3 weeks I have been hacking and wheezing.  Everyone else who has had it says it lasts about a month.  So hopefully I only have a week or so of it left. 

And something else broke in my house, y'all.  I fixed a broken toilet one Saturday afternoon.  (The bowl would not fill with water so I jammed the hose down a tube thingie that it was supposed to be in and held it in place with some cardboard torn from a hair color box.  Because I'm a girl plumber.)  That Saturday night?  My ice maker totally stopped making ice.  I jiggled stuff.  I banged on stuff.  And I cursed at it.  I read the manual.  No help.  I went online for advice.  No help.  My refrigerator is almost brand new.  I bought it when I moved in my house 15 months ago.  And suddenly 4 days later it started making ice again just as quickly as it had stopped. 

My car is still not fixed because my mechanic cannot get the manufacturer to agree what part I exactly need and he said they have sent cartoon drawings back and forth, photos back and forth, and had about 3904789435034 phone calls about it.  Therefore, I am driving only back and forth to work and I have not driven my car at all for the past 3 weekends so that I don’t make it any worse.  Fun is what that is.  And last week when I had my exciting and completely unexpected adventure of a lifetime, I took the train each day so I only put about six miles on my car all week because all I had to do was go to the station (it’s not safe to walk there in my ‘hood alone) and to the grocery store once. 

The train.  What a fun experience that was. 

I had a construction worker try to put some moves on me.  I had a total thug dude tell me he loved my scarf.  Two babies on opposite sides of the tracks in the very echo-y below ground station had a screaming/crying competition one afternoon.  People kept asking me about the train schedule because apparently I looked like I knew what I was doing.  (I had no clue what I was doing or what the train schedules were other than the one I was on.)  I gave a disabled guy some change so he could pay his fare.  And a lady sang nursery songs the entire trip one morning.  One evening, by the time I got home, I was about to pee all over myself.  As I sat on the toilet extremely happy I made it in time, my cell phone rang in my pocket.  It was my security alarm company.  Apparently in my rush to get my alarm turned off so I could make it to the potty in time, I managed to set off a silent alarm.  Ack!  I’ve set my alarm off really loudly a couple of times, but I honestly did not even know I had a silent alarm.  But I found out I did while sitting on the potty of all places. 

So where was I going on the train?  I left my office on Thursday, February 21^st and told my bosses and my team that I would see them possibly Friday afternoon and if not, I’d definitely see them on Monday because I had jury duty but there was no possible way I’d get picked because I’ve had jury duty 345972340523-045 times and they never choose me.  I work for a law firm and my brother is a cop.  No attorneys ever want me on a jury. 

 Except this time they did.  And this wasn’t just any case.  No.  It was an absolutely horrific case.  An EXTREMELY violent murder case.  I have to be honest, this case has impacted me in a huge way that has had me thinking about some really big things.  And it has freaked me out quite a bit.  I’ve been looking over my shoulder constantly for the past couple of weeks.  I could not make myself sleep upstairs in my house until two days ago because I wanted to be able to hear any and all noises that might be happening outside.  I know that sounds crazy, y’all.  But I’ve been incredibly spooked and almost feel  haunted by this case.  And I’m not really ready to talk about it on here.  I’ve been checking online and at this point I don’t see that this person has been transferred to a prison yet.  And until I can see that online, I really don’t want to put any details on here that might possibly connect me to the case.  And quite honestly, I might not ever talk about any details on here.  Because he might be in custody, but everyone he knows is not. 

Okay, it’s law partner rap battle time so I have to run.  Hope you all have a fabulous weekend! 

Do y’all miss Music Monday?  Should we start it back up or was that kind of dumb to y’all?

Wheeze. Cough. Blow. Sneeze.

I'm home sick today so I thought I'd throw up a blog post since I'm not at work trying to go online while trying to not get caught by the 4957439540 attorneys that constantly parade back and forth behind me.  And for some reason my home internet has been working since the weekend and we will see how long that lasts.  (Update:  my internet went out again 3 times while in the middle of this post but thankfully came back by the time I finished.)

I think I caught the cold June Gardens had a couple of weeks ago.  I'm not sure if y'all heard, but she had a cold recently.  We changed over to a new computer system last week at work and they have been having training classes for about 6 or 8 weeks (because we have probably over 200 people in our office but the training room only holds 8 people at a time).  They have contract trainers working with us and I got migrated to the new system last Wednesday and took a 3 hour class.  The trainer who actually works for our firm as an employee and not a contractor had been traveling to train people in our offices in D.C. and Raleigh.  He came back late last week and on Fridays, he offers one hour classes on very specific topics and I decided to take one this past Friday.  He hacked and he sniffled, and he leaned all over us coughing on top of our heads.  He told us it was just allergies.  But on Sunday I woke up sicker than sick.  And since he was in Raleigh, I think he caught June's cold germs and brought them back to Atlanta and gave them to me.  So yes, I caught June's cold.

I had to go to work yesterday even though I felt like hell because of a huge deadline that I could not pass on to some other poor soul to do for me.  I hate when people come to the office sick and get everyone else sick so I tried to stay in my cubicle and not get near anyone.  Also, I had to take my car back to my mechanic yesterday because the parts were supposed to be in and I've been having to stay home way too much to avoid driving my car anymore than I absolutely have to so that I don't damage it worse before they fix it.  And then they called me yesterday afternoon and told me the manufacturer had shipped the wrong part.  Ugh.  So I've had my car in there 3 times already and it's still not fixed.  But they did put my new tires on yesterday so at least I hopefully won't slide into anyone when I'm driving back to the mechanic again.  Especially since the weather guy said we're probably going to get close to 6 inches of rain here in Atlanta over the next week.  Do you know what sucks?  Trying to get your car to the mechanic 4 different times in 2 weeks when you're alone and don't have a boyfriend or husband to give you rides. 

So anyway, I'm sitting at home drinking the Hot Brazilian Miracle Elixir for colds (lemon, garlic and honey which tastes what I imagine dirty gym socks taste like) as often as I can stand it, loading up on other meds of the completely unnatural type, killing tons of trees with all of the tissues I'm using, and sounding a lot like Bea Arthur or a female Tom Waits whenever I talk.  And wheezing.  Lots and lots of wheezing and coughing.

But one good thing is that I was home when Hot Brazilian was able to call earlier today and managed to stay connected for an entire 45 minute conversation!  Sadly, I spent over half of it hacking....

As soon as I answered when he called and he heard my oh so sexy and gravelly voice he asked, "Punkin, are you drinking the "tea" I taught you about?"  I told him I was and he asked me what I put in it.  I told him lemon, garlic and a tiny bit of honey.  He replied, "Good girl!  But you're missing one ingredient.  If I were there I would have made it for you and added love." 

Yes, 6 years into our relationship but several years living in different countries and we're still like that.

Several of you asked what he told me that I had been waiting 4 years to hear.  Some of this may not make much sense since you don't know his entire background and it's not really my place to share all of that.  Plus, the story of what he's been doing down there is super involved and long but I'm only giving y'all a VERY short version.  It's such a crazy story that if I told y'all all of it you would think I was making it up even though it's all true.  But a shortened summary is as follows:  a friend of his in the House of Representatives found out he was back in the country and asked him to fly up to the Amazon to help him on his re-election campaign.  One thing led to another and HB ended up becoming a political activist fighting against the incredibly corrupt state government in working towards his ultimate goal of helping the children of that state get a fair chance at a better life.  He has been working with some other people and what they are doing is extremely dangerous.  A few of them have been killed.  A blogger friend of his was executed while sitting in the middle of a crowded restaurant because he was speaking out.  And I've been scared for his safety the entire time. 

Anyway, last week he told me some things have happened recently that I assume have him really scared and worried (he said he didn't want to tell me what led him to his decision so that I wouldn't worry more), so he is giving up his fight at least for now.  As proud as I am of what he's doing, I could not be happier to hear he's going to lay low for the rest of his time down there.

So that's that.

In other news, Sadie.....thank you so much for the middle-of-February-thinking-of-you gift you sent me!  I love it!!  That was so sweet and thoughtful of you and I appreciate it more than you know!

And Tee, I'm looking forward to our Atlanta Pie meet up in April!!  

Well, I suppose I better go drink some more HB Miracle Elixir.  It really does seem to help shorten the life of a cold even though it tastes like complete crap.....

I'm eating a banana. Which has as much to do with this post as the different subjects I cover have to do with each other. As usual......

Do y'all enjoy how my posts always seem to cover a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't go together in the least because I just start typing and never have a plan in advance?  Good.  Because let's continue with that right now.

I have started numerous posts over the past two weeks but they have been just about the most depressing things you’ve ever read so I haven’t sent them out to the internet.  And then I started this post yesterday at work when I had a few minutes of down time, but my internet has been out at home (even though I had the cable company come out a few months ago when it stopped working and they completely rewired the entire thing) so I couldn’t finish it and post it last night.  So I am trying again because my boss who sits right behind me is out this afternoon. 

I have some crappy stuff happening in my life right now if I’m being honest and I haven’t been able to get my mind off of it to write something y’all might possibly be interested in reading.  Because trust me, you do not want to hear what I’ve been dealing with because it’s all just a gigantic, enormous, boatload of crap.  Expensive crap.  (Just as an example:  $900 to replace an intake manifold on my car (whatever the heck that is) because somehow I got an air leak in mine,  and I need new tires since mine are completely bald and unsafe for me to be driving on for a total of $1,500 I do not have right now, my mortgage payment was increased in December by $250 per month which happens to feel like it might as well be $250,000 more per month, etc.  And that’s only a small part of the gigantic, enormous, boatload of crap. There is also crap involving family members which I’m really not at liberty to discuss on here, and in general life has not been very peachy lately.) 

But there are a couple of good things in case you were about to send some men with a straight jacket for me (if you do though, can you please request they bring me one in a beautiful robin’s egg blue/aqua color?  That’s my very favorite color of all).

Anyway, let’s move on to some good news. 

Hot Brazilian called me last week.  We use Skype since it’s free but the internet connection in the middle of the Amazon jungle is about as reliable as my house and all of its moving parts that keep breaking down every time I blink.  And my car that is now following suit.  I also have the Skype app on my phone and sometimes he happens to call me when I’m driving to work.  And I wish I could tell you how difficult it is to hear him when I’m on my computer at home.  But phone Skype?  Even worse. 

When he called me last week, I was driving to work.  It was pouring rain so I had raindrops pelting my car, my windshield wipers going, and lots of traffic around me so I could hear him kind of not at all.  The entire conversation was basically me saying, “What?  I can’t hear you.  Are you still there?  I can’t hear anything.”  I was finally able to pull over into a parking lot so I could at least turn off my windshield wipers and he told me something awesome that I’ve been waiting about four years to hear and then he promptly lost his internet connection the very second the sentence was out of his mouth and we haven’t been able to connect since.

Frickin’ frackin’ frick.   

Word of advice:  don’t get in a long term relationship with someone who may one day live in the middle of the Amazon if you enjoy talking with that person.  I know!  That happens to so many of us American women.  So don’t come whining to me when it happens to you and say I didn’t warn you that you and your Amazon hottie can’t communicate very well.  I will link you right back to this increasingly more boring post.  However, I will tell you that one good thing about this relationship is that I don’t know how we could ever possibly get tired of each other since we rarely finish talking about a subject.  Even once he gets back here to the States he plans to not be here in Atlanta full-time at first (because of his business plans and all) and I do not care one little bit because we will at least be able to say more than 10 sentences in a row to each other without being disconnected. 

Last week was a very typical conversation we have: 

Me:  Hi, Hot Brazilian!  (I don’t really call him that when we talk, but maybe I should start). 

HB:  Hi, punkin!  (He really does call me that because he apparently has trouble saying pumpkin with his accent) 

Me:  Are you doing okay?  Are you staying safe? 

HB:  I’m okay.  I miss you a lot. 

Me:  I miss you too! 

HB:  Hey listen, you know that thing you’ve been waiting four years for me to say I’m going to finally do?  Well, I decided to do it! 

Me:  Oh Hot Brazilian, that makes me so happy!!  Does this mean……

silence. 

Me:  Shit.  Damn.  Stupid fucking jungle internet. 

Or he’ll say something along the lines of, “Dahling (he calls me that too).  I really miss seeing your……”  Disconnected.  He misses seeing my what?  My paintings?  My smile?  My brilliant mind at work?  My saggy boobs?  What does he miss seeing?  Shit.  Damn.  Stupid fucking jungle internet.  Oh well.  One day we will be able to finish a conversation again. 

This painting I did has nothing do with anything.  Just like the next part of this post has nothing to do with the beginning of the post.  I just wanted to continue a post that has a bunch of crap in it that doesn't go together to see just how much I can confuse y'all so I threw a random painting picture right here.  Although, this painting does kind of look like I feel when I think about spending $1,500 to fix my car.  So I guess it sort of goes with the beginning of this post.  But it really doesn't have anything to do with it at all. Are y'all confused yet?  Good.  Now you know how it feels inside my head most of the time when I'm writing a post.  Which one of you is ordering the robin's egg blue straight jacket for me?  I will need the one which is in a tent size.

Because of all of the financial crappy stuff on my mind, I have been sleeping even worse than I normally do.  Sunday night/Monday morning I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and never went back to sleep.  Last night I was awake from 1:30 – 5:00 a.m.  Sucks.  Sunday night I started flipping through the tv to find something that might put me to sleep but I was WIDE AWAKE.  And I stumbled across something on MTV that I could not turn away from, y’all.  I don’t normally watch MTV because I’m 44 and I don’t care to watch the teenage mom shows or Snooki or whatever else they have on these days.  But in the middle of the night they have some crazy stuff on there and I was not aware of that.  Why did y’all not tell me?  I will be the first to admit that I can be a bit naïve, but I did not know there are people who are into poly-amorous relationships.  Now I know about polygamy and stuff, but this was about 3 gay guys who live together, love each other, all three kiss each other at the same time (which appeared to be a little awkward and difficult if I’m being honest), all put their makeup on and straightened their hair together in the bathroom at the same time (yes they did), all have sexy time together, etc.  They are 3 guys in a committed relationship.  One started feeling left out in certain ways and wanted to bring in a 4^th guy.  One of the other guys was all for it, but the third one was vehemently opposed.  So they went to therapy and eventually decided to bring in the 4^th guy.  Six months into it the third guy, after being totally against the idea, started getting too close to the new guy so the three original guys broke up with him.  Talk about feeling rejected.  When one person breaks up with you it can be devastating.  Imagine if you got dumped by 3 people all at once! 

They also showed another relationship and it was a girl who was dating another girl and a guy.  And the first girl wanted to bring another guy into the relationship.  But the second girl just never hit it off too well with him and got too jealous, etc. so they ended up dumping the additional guy.  So I guess the lesson is that three people work better than four.  Seriously though, aren’t relationships, whether they are hetero or LGBT, enough work when there are only two people in them? 

After that was over, another show came on which was featuring a girl who worked in the porn industry (casting, etc. – not an actress) and could not find a guy who wanted to date her for any reason other than the fact that she worked in the adult entertainment industry.  And there was another girl who had multiple sex partners and apparently had enough crazy sex that she had her own radio show to talk about her sexcapades, but then she met a guy she wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with but her co-host told her it would ruin their show and she couldn’t be monogamous.  And finally, there was a guy who swore he was hetero but was starring in gay porn videos and was going to visit his family and tell them what he did for a living.  He said he took enhancement pills to be able to shoot the scenes because they were questioning him about how that all worked.  And 10 minutes into that show, after watching the previous one, I felt like that was too much smut for one night so I changed the channel but two days later I’m wondering if all of their lives worked out okay.  I’m also really glad I watched all of that stuff because it made me feel as though my completely crazy relationship situation with Hot Brazilian really isn’t so out there after all.  Don't y'all agree? 

.......Silence.

Well, we covered my crappy financial situation, communication in the Amazon and alternative lifestyles in one post.  I continue to make a lot of sense to y’all, right?

Criminals in my yard and criminals in my mouth. Story of my life.

Remember how I told y’all the last time my mom came and stayed at my house that she is completely against over sharing on the internet?  Well, she was back in town again last week staying at my house so I could not come here and over share with y’all on the internet.  If she saw me sitting down and writing all of this stuff on my blog while she was visiting from out of state and wanting to spend time with me, I might be disowned.  That’s why I didn’t blog.  

Her birthday was the week before she came to Atlanta so I took her for a belated birthday gift to a play at a local small community theater because we both love doing that (and if my friend Liz is reading, I know she’ll be happy to hear that since she acts and sings and is all kind of fabulous in the theater out in Tulsa), we visited family, etc.  I took a couple of vacation days to spend with her and one afternoon we decided to chill on the sofa for a few minutes before we got dressed to go to the play and suddenly my mom gasped and said there was a huge dog in my front yard. 

Now I know that most of us are all, “PUPPY!  PUPPY!  PUPPY!” all the time around here, but I have to be honest:  (1) I am about as allergic to dogs as you can possibly get (as in almost having to go to the emergency room several times over the years because I’ve almost stopped breathing and prescription breathing meds were not working even a tiny bit); and (2)  I am not a fan of interacting with a strange dog (and he was HUGE) with no collar that I’ve never seen in my ‘hood before who has somehow gotten into my yard even though it is completely fenced in, the front gate was closed and latched, there are no holes under any portion of my fence, and the dog looks super irritated that it can’t figure out how to get back out.  It went all over my front yard.  Up on the front porch.  All over my backyard.  Up and down my driveway.  Back and forth.  Pacing.  Pacing.  Pacing.  And looking more and more upset.  My mom wouldn’t go out there at all.  So I waited until it went in the back yard, then grabbed a security bar that I keep under my door knob so I could use it as a weapon if the dog suddenly attacked me (because I’m all filled up with the drama), ran outside and opened the front gate then dashed back inside before it figured out I was outside.  I may or may not have been in my pajamas with no bra on when I did this since my mom and I had been thoroughly enjoying a pj day.  He finally found his way out and then went into all of the neighbors’ yards checking them out.  My neighbor across the street ran him off from her yard with a broom.  Some people were walking down the sidewalk and they started screaming when it approached them (apparently my ‘hood is also full of the drama) and then it went further down the street out of sight. 

So that’s pretty much the exciting end of that sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat story.  I know y’all just kept waiting for something actually interesting to happen and then I just disappoint, right?  Did the dog attack her?  Did the dog start licking her to death?  Did the dog really want to find someone to help rescue someone a la Lassie?  No.  The dog just went into some other yards and then walked on down the street out of sight.  You are all glad I shared this story with you, right? 

Then I was unable to blog because I had a 12-year-old boy staying with me at my house all weekend.  Because I’m a total perv.  I love me a 12-year-old boy.  (I hope y’all know I’m kidding.  Do not call the authorities and send them after me.)  It was my cousin’s son and they live not too far out of Atlanta, but they never go downtown and do stuff.  He went to the High Museum on a field trip recently and he said that while the art was pretty cool, his favorite part was seeing all of the tall buildings and watching the people walking around.  He was convinced all of the people walking around downtown were cool college kids.  For his birthday, I told him he could stay with me and we would go downtown and look at tall buildings and see weird people and for some odd reason that sounded like the most awesome birthday gift he had ever received from anyone. 

My mom and I took him to my house Friday night with us and he spent the night.  We had to take my mom to the airport at noon on Saturday so I took them to a great little breakfast place near my ‘hood, then we went to the bookstore because he loves reading (I adore a boy who loves to read…and isn’t afraid to admit it) and then headed to the airport.  I then realized he had probably never been on MARTA (Atlanta’s train system) so even though I live about 3 miles from where I was taking him and could have driven there in about 10 minutes, I  took him downtown on the train which took about an hour each way with the stops and train changes, etc..  Thank goodness I did though since that was his favorite thing we did all day.  He also thought I was nuts when I got into a conversation about incense with a random girl riding the train.  There was a crazy dude walking through the train selling incense and she struck up a conversation with me about how much she loves incense but that dude’s incense “were all crumbly and shit” and that they stunk when he walked past her. 

I took him (my cousin’s son, not the crazy dude selling incense on the train) smack into the middle of downtown and into a hotel that my dad used to take us in as kids because it’s fairly tall without being overwhelming (we went up to the 41^st), and my cousin’s son was terrified and said he felt nauseous.  Also, there was a biker convention of some sort going on and they were all staying at that hotel so he got to see some interesting people (and lots and lots of leather). 

Then, because he loves music a lot, I took him to The Hard Rock Café for lunch because I thought he would love it.  Not so much.  He said he had never heard of most of the artists when I pointed out memorabilia from different people I thought he would know (I then felt like the old hag I am because he had never heard of Sheryl Crow, James Brown, Collective Soul, or Johnny Cash), he was completely mortified when half of the staff and customers stood up and danced all the animated moves to Y.M.C.A.,  and I was only half-way done with my sandwich when he announced that he was ready to go because it was too loud.  Too loud?!  You’re a 12-year-old boy!  I’m a 44-year-old woman and I was having a blast.  The restaurant is across the street from the Peachtree Plaza Hotel so I asked him if he wanted to go up in that elevator (it’s almost twice as high as the one we had been in earlier).  He said I must be crazy.  Which?  Yes.  Yes I am. 

He said what he really wanted to was go back to my house and play board games but first he wanted to stop at Target to look around on the way back.  Crazy incense dude was on the train going back too.  So our big, fun, exciting day in the city was a little bit of a bust, but I think he still had a great time even though it sounds like I tortured him with scary elevators and loudness.  And my awesome Y.M.C.A. moves. 

He’s at that age where he mumbles and is too cool to act very excited about anything but when his mom came to pick him up the next day he told her he wasn’t ready to go home and wanted to keep staying with me.  And I had to explain to him that it is not always fun and games at my house like it had been all weekend.  Sometimes it’s full of toilet cleaning and litter box scooping too.  After he left and I had somewhat put my house back together (he and/or my cat pulled curtains down out of the window in one room while chasing each other and we had approximately 2645987980 board games pulled out all over my dining room table), I crashed on the sofa and could not get back up.  Kids wear me out.  I don’t know how parents do it. 

In other news, some of y’all wanted to hear a story about something that happened to me a couple of weeks ago.  Only now I’m not sure what I thought happened is what really happened.  I hope this is all going to make sense.  I fall asleep on my sofa a lot.  I wake up sometime between 2:30 and 3:30 about 99.99999% of the time and I usually decide to just stay on the sofa instead of turning on lights and waking myself up to get upstairs to my bedroom.  Yes, I need the lights on so I won’t trip and fall and break an arm again because I’m not exactly the most graceful person on earth if y’all haven’t figured that out already. 

Anyway, I woke up just before 3:00 a.m. one morning and went to the restroom (because remember: I am an old hag.  I have to pee several times in the night which I love so much).  As I was walking back to the living room, I realized my flood lights were on at the front of my house and they only turn on when the motion detector triggers them on.  So I proceeded to freak the heck out.  I looked out in the yard, saw that the front gate was still closed and latched just as I had left it, I then went to the back of the house and looked on the deck and out by my garage and in the back yard and saw nothing.  I ran to every window down the side of the house looking outside and saw nothing.  I stood silently so I could hear whoever was out there while looking out a window overlooking my driveway with my cell phone in one hand to call 911 and a broom in the other hand so I could hit them with the handle when they broke into my house which I was 100% convinced they were going to do.  (And please don’t tell me I should get a gun.  That is not going to happen.  I have now spoken on that idea.  Amen.)  I felt like I was going to either hyperventilate or have a heart attack.  This was all just because the light was on.  I had seen no one.  I had heard no one.  And yet there I was freaking in the dining room.  I tiptoed back up to the front window, crouched down below it so the scary person I knew was out there couldn’t see me, and slowly raised up just enough to peek over the bottom edge of the window sill and looked out.  And that’s when I saw him! 

The stupid stray cat on the sidewalk in front of my house, that is. 

That’s all that was out there, y’all.  I never saw a person.  Eventually the stupid light went back out, and I put the broom back in the closet and made my way back to the sofa.  I finally managed to doze back off about an hour later feeling like a complete scaredy cat (see what I did there?) and also like a bit of an idiot.  And I went on for a few days assuming I had almost had a heart attack from a stray cat. 

But I could not stop thinking about it.  How would a small cat set off the motion detector light when it’s about 15 feet or more above the ground?  Why don’t the bazillion squirrels I have running around all over my property ever set it off?  A few days ago for some reason I happened to be on the backside of my garage and deck and I saw something that was moved in a different position than it had been previously when I was back there.  And I also saw a broom handle on the ground next to the windows of my crawlspace.  I checked everything out and none of the windows were busted out or anything and everything else looked like it should.  But now I can’t figure out how someone could have gotten back out of my property that night without me seeing them leave.  Of course I don’t know how long that broom handle had been on the ground because I don’t go over to that itty bitty space between that side of my house and the fence very often either so it may not have been left there that night.  It had been at least a month since I had looked back in there. 

There is no way to get out from that side of the house other than coming back around my house and up the driveway and the fence in my back yard is way too high to climb over (in fact, I’ve been told by a contractor that the height of my fence in the back and on that side of my house is illegal because rescue workers can’t get over it).  The front gate was still closed and latched.  From my sofa, I would have seen the light turn on again if they were anywhere on the driveway side of my house before I fell asleep again an hour later.  But I really don’t think it was that stray cat. 

A couple of days before this happened I was approached by a guy in my driveway when I arrived home from work one night.  He told me there is a guy in his late teens who works at the jewelry store the next street over (I have no clue what jewelry store he's talking about because I've been warned not to go on the next street over) who has been stealing cars in our 'hood.  Apparently he also stole a car in the shopping center up the street from me recently and hit this man's niece and she died.  So he was warning people about him.  I also had all of that in my mind when my lights were coming on in the middle of the night. 

This past week my toilet stopped working upstairs (my house, Daisy Jane’s Money Drain, is still living up to her name) so I’ve pretty much been sleeping on my sofa every night so I don’t have to go up and down the stairs to another bathroom a few times a night.  You can bet I am still a little freaked out and every single time I wake up, I make sure the light is not on out there. 

And in other news, as I commented on June’s blog, I found out a little over a week ago that my dentist has been arrested twice.  Someone told me about it so I checked online to confirm for myself.  Sure ‘nough.  I saw the mug shots and arrest records.  Once for drugs (possession of pot).  Once for property damage, assault, and cruelty to children.  When I went to have my teeth cleaned about a year ago, he was out and there was a temp dentist filling in for him (no pun intended).  I was told he had broken his hand while doing some remodeling in his basement.  I’m now guessing he remodels by beating things with his fist.  In front of his two young kids.  When I went back for a cleaning 6 months ago, they said he was out again because he had had a heart attack.  And then I called to confirm an appointment last month and they told me he was out because his license had lapsed when he was out for so long. 

So if anyone has a great dentist to recommend (locals, I’d like someone in-town near East Atlanta/Little 5 Points or in Buckhead), I sort of think it might be time for me to moving on from this guy.  I’m disappointed because I really liked him.  But dude apparently has some issues.  But has no license. 

That’s pretty much what I’ve been up to:  chasing off strange big dogs, going to plays (it’s based on the things that happen in a Waffle House in the middle of the night), acting like a tourist in my own town, wondering if someone is creeping around in my yard in the middle of the night and standing in my dining room in the middle of the night with a broom, and breaking up with my criminal dentist.  I’m now in the middle of trying to completely change my diet because I need to lose about 800 pounds.  So maybe we can talk about that next time.  What have y’all been up to?

Y'all are really still coming by to see if I've written anything?

Jane and a couple of other people called me out in the comments on BBP today for not blogging.  It's only been a month and 3 days since I've blogged.  Geez.  Y'all are so demanding.

Ima try to catch y'all up on the past month other than the normal boring work stuff I do because I've been doing a lot of that.  We're in the middle of a HUGE deal at my firm right now and we are all working late hours, the attorneys are all working weekends, etc.  This is a deal with a number so big it makes my head hurt.  I worked until 9:00 one night last week formatting a huge document.  And when I got in the next morning, I discovered my boss had sent me a copy of the document and not the actual document (because we have a super confusing doc management system that most of our firm hates and this very same thing has happened to tons of people so please don't think I'm an idiot) so the 12 hours of work I did on it?  None of it was saved on our system.  Our IT department searched all over my computer and could not find the version with all of my edits anywhere.  And the client needed it that morning to work on it and get it to their auditors. I hated everything that day.  And I still kind of hated everything by the day after that too.

But here's some of the stuff I've been up to over the past month that doesn't suck like that did.  Well, a couple of non-work things suck too, if I'm being honest.

I went out of town for a girls weekend with my aunt, two cousins, and one of their daughters.  My aunt bought my grandparents' house after they both passed away, so we went there.  Within 30 minutes of arriving, my cousin's 7-year-old daughter had me dressed up with purple fuzzy earmuffs and holding a sword and mace (both plastic, don't worry).  And then I had to have sword fights in the front yard.  The 2-year-old boy next door saw us and came and joined us as well.  And I had to run and hide all over the back yard.  And up and down the two stories of deck stairs.  And girlfriend, I am one out of shape blob.  I was dying.  Thankfully, we only did that for an hour or or so (although it felt like 10 hours at least) before she let me rest for a minute on the front porch.  I managed to turn it into resting until I left the next afternoon.  I had had enough sword fighting for one weekend.  Or possibly for the rest of my life.  I did play "spies" with her using walkie talkies.  I sent her on missions while I sat my fat butt on the porch and talked to her.  I mean it would not have hurt the size of my arse for me to do some more sword fighting and running around, but I really just didn't want to.

Okay.  I'm back.  Did y'all know I was gone in the middle of writing this post?  I was.  Hot Brazilian just called me from Brazil and we talked for an hour and a half.  And now I'm going to write for a little bit longer but because I just spent an hour and a half on Skype, I'm not going to write as much as I had planned because girlfriend is tired.  And it's late.  Also, after we hung up because he was about to drop from exhaustion because he had a super crazy weekend (not really in a good way) and he could not stay awake for one more minute, I had to fix all of the spelling and grammar on a very important email he's working on because English is definitely not his first language.  (Don't worry - I use proper grammar when I'm writing work stuff unlike this blog.)  Y'all, he speaks English fairly well and I always understand what he means when he writes, but if it's something important he has me "fix" it all for him.  Which is probably for the best because he once sent me an email to fix before he sent it (THANK GOODNESS) to the owner of a company trying to schedule a meeting which contained the sentence, "I'll be cumming to (name of city)" on some particular date.  And I wrote him back telling him to never, ever, ever use that word in a business email and then I had to explain the difference between "cumming" and "coming" while I was sitting at my desk with people surrounding me.  Fun is what that conversation was.  But there is a city just north of Atlanta called Cumming, GA and so he asked me about that.  To which I had no answer.  Because, really?  Cumming, GA?  Why would you call yourself that?  Of all the names in the world, y'all really went with that one?

So, I guess from that last paragraph you may have just figured out why I said earlier that some non-work stuff also sucks.  Hot Brazilian is still in Brazil.  He was supposed to be sitting here on my sofa with me as of the last week of December, but some Things I Cannot Discuss have come up (but have not cum up (oh how could I resist that one?)).  I am being understanding, but I am not happy about this change of plans.  And it's partially his fault but partially not and he has cried buckets because he wants to be back here so badly and I have cried the Big Ugly Scrunched Up and Screaming Face cry more than once and it has been a super depressing couple of weeks for both of us.  But I can't really go into any sort of detail here.  No, I don't know how much longer it will be before he's back.  Suck.  Suck. Suck.

This also means I spent New Year's Eve at my fun neighbors' house and we watched football.  Which is not really my favorite thing to do, but it certainly beat sitting at home alone and probably crying because Hot Brazilian was not here with me.  The game was over around 11, I helped clean up the food/kitchen, etc. and then the husband walked me home even though it's only 3 houses away because it was almost midnight in the 'hood.  At midnight I hate to tell you that I was standing at my kitchen counter sorting dried beans so I could soak them overnight and make ham and bean soup.  Whoa.  Don't you want to come spend NYE at my house next year?  Maybe we can match up socks to fold together.  Or carry the garbage outside to the trash can to celebrate.  Maybe you can think of something to rival sorting dried beans!  I am open to all household chores as a way to ring in the new year.  (Except for toilet cleaning.  I will draw the line there.)

Some other things I haven't caught you up on (I say this like y'all are really interested) include my weirdest Christmas ever, a baby (not mine!), another encounter with a crazy dude in my 'hood (I gave him some money and my friend blessed me out about it), my friend's obsession with people selling socks on Atlanta's public transportation, how I managed to completely ruin green bean casserole which is quite possibly one of the world's easiest dishes but I cook about as much as June Gardens, how a stray cat almost gave me a heart attack this weekend, my completely disastrous return to painting, and how I am obviously trying to bring sexy back with the outfit I put on when I got home from work tonight.  If any of those things sound interesting, let me know and I'll try to write about them. 

But right now I'm going to bed.  Even though I had a much calmer weekend than Hot Brazilian, I think I am almost as tired as he was when we hung up a while ago. (He had yet another car stuck in the mud in the middle of the jungle experience, but this time they walked 8 miles to a village and paid complete strangers to take showers, sleep in their house and be fed.  I, on the other hand, never sleep so I took two sleeping pills Friday night.  While I still woke up at 1:00, 3:30, 5:45, etc., I also never got out of my pj's on Saturday and didn't manage to get off the sofa until almost 3:00 p.m. because they made me so lethargic.)  First I ring in the new year sorting dried beans.  Then I spend all day on the couch in a coma.  I can see why y'all would want to keep coming back here.