Thank you

Thank you to everyone who sent emails, left comments, mailed me cards, sent messages on facebook, left comments on facebook, etc. this past week.  It has been a rough one but your words have helped more than you know.

Last Saturday, I had been working in the yard and my cell phone was sitting on my front porch.  I had talked to a couple of people and then pulled weeds for about 45 minutes.  When I looked at my phone again, I had missed calls, text messages, and voice mails from 5 different people and as I was about to check the messages to see what in the world could be going on, my older brother called.  And he told me my dad's wife had found him in the bedroom floor when she woke up and he had passed away.  She told me later he had his legs up under the bed and that he had tucked a pillow under his head so apparently he didn't die immediately and tried to get comfortable.  She is almost deaf and never heard him fall but she said he was ice cold when she found him so it had been a while. 

My dad had two heart attacks about a year and a half ago.  He had never had any heart problems before that.  He spent a month in the hospital, was in ICU on life support for 10 days, and then had a triple bypass, a pacemaker and a defibrillator put in before he was finally able to go home.  He seemed to be doing okay, but he said he never got his energy or stamina back.  I had just had dinner with him the Sunday before he passed away.  He was joking around as usual and seemed fine.  His wife said that on Friday he had been feeling bad and never could get comfortable.  It was the exact symptoms he had before his heart attacks last year, but she is kind of elderly and I guess it just didn't register with her and they didn't take him to the doctor or hospital.  But there is no way of knowing if that would have even saved him. And knowing my dad, he would never have agreed to go.

I talked to Hot Brazilian the morning of my dad's memorial service.  He quoted a Bible verse for me to look up about faith (Hebrews 11:1).  I then almost fell over at the church.  It was pouring down rain when my mom and I walked into the church so we stepped into a Sunday School class to kind of put ourselves back together.  As I walked in the door of the room, I stopped and my mouth fell open.  On the far wall was a big piece of paper with handwriting in magic marker and it was Hebrews 11:1.

I was talking to my younger brother's wife/girlfriend (long story) yesterday and she started telling me that he had seen a hummingbird in their foundry metal shop the day after they got back home and I told her I had seen one when I was sitting on my front porch one morning this week.  I had stepped out there to have a few minutes of quiet (I had a houseful of people all week).  Neither of us had ever seen a hummingbird on either of our properties before this week.  She then explained that she had always been told and understood since she was a little girl that hummingbirds represent a connection with the spirit world and it was a sign from loved ones who have passed away.  Because they can fly backwards and forwards, it's a sign to look to the past but not dwell on it, and to keep moving forward.  And their wings move in the infinity pattern. They are also supposed to be a symbol of resurrection and if you see one soon after a loved one has passed, it is a sign that they are still with you and watching over you from above.

The sad truth is, my dad had almost looked forward to death for the past 40 years.  He had told me he absolutely didn't want to live to be an old man.  My biological mom died when I was 5 (in 1973) and he really always wished he had died with her.  I'm not just saying that, he actually told us he wished he had died with her.  He told us years later that when she died he gave serious consideration to loading his clothes in his car and driving off and leaving my two brothers and I because he just didn't want to deal with us.  I'd like to think he changed his mind eventually and was glad he didn't.  But when she died, my dad closed himself off emotionally to everyone, including his 3 kids.  He remarried 9 months later to my mom who raised us.  And my dad basically kept his feelings and emotions buried deep and never shared himself completely with any of us ever again.  He and my mom divorced after 33 years and then he married for a third time about two and a half years ago.  Don't get me wrong, I loved my dad.  We never had fights, there were never instances where we were mad at each other or not speaking.  We always got along very well.  But he never let us inside.  I can only remember 3 times he really opened up to me and I could tell it was quite uncomfortable for him but for whatever reason, on those 3 occasions, he felt like he needed to share some things with me.  The last time he did, he shared with me the many regrets he had for how he handled things when our mom died (basically we were expected to act as though she never existed and we understood not to talk about her).  So his death has filled me with tons of mixed emotions:  sadness that he's gone and I'll never feel his great hugs again or hear his laughter, regret that I could never break through his walls, lots of unanswered questions about him and how he felt about things, a sense of peace because I knew he was at peace with death and not afraid to die, and quite honestly I feel a good bit of anger towards him for a lot of things.  My dad came across to most people as a pretty simple guy, but the truth is he was an incredibly complicated person who I will never feel like I knew as much as I should have as his daughter.

I know I will be going through these emotions for a while probably, and possibly for the remainder of my days.  But your concern, thoughts and prayers have lifted me up and I appreciate them more than I can ever express.