You would have wanted to help her too. But y'all have sense and would have told her no. I think we all know by now I have zero sense.

Today I will tell you about an event that scarred me for life instead of telling you about how I'm packing more boxes in my office, sending out more overnight packages, and working on billing.  Because who the heck cares.

I used to share an office with a girl who had what we'll call a difficult personality.   I do not remember ever working with anyone else that I got along with less.  My ex-mother-in-law would have been easier to share an office with and I could barely stand the sight of that woman.  Approximately 4 days out of the week my office mate would say something incredibly ugly to me first thing in the morning to which I would reply, "I'm putting on my headphones and listening to music for the rest of the day.  Please do not speak to me again."   I really said that, y'all.  The first time I did it, I almost made my own self fall out of my chair because it was so unlike me.  But then I realized she actually stopped talking to me so I said it pretty regularly after that.  95% of the time I just put my headphones on.  I wasn't even listening to anything.  I just wanted her to shut her effin' mouth.  For instance, one morning she walked in and and before she even sat down said, "Good morning.  I've been meaning to ask what's going on with you.  Why are you gaining so much weight and getting so fat?"  I know!  What a nice person, huh?  I ran to the bathroom in tears, came back and instructed her to not say another word to me all day.

If she would stay home sick she would tell me that she would check her emails twice and then put down on her time sheet that she worked 8 hours because she had worked from home by checking her emails.  I know, y'all!

She came in and left each day on whatever schedule she felt like.  She got in trouble for it every year in her review and I would hear her call friends and tell them, "I'll just come in and leave at the times they tell me I have to for the next couple of weeks and then I'll go back to coming in and leaving whenever I feel like because they won't ever fire me."

She got fired.  Finally.

But on very rare occasions we would get along sort of.

During the time she and I shared an office, there was a Starbucks in our building.  It's gone now.  We have three towers in our building and it was in a different tower, but the towers are all connected by glass hallways so you don't have to go outside.  She asked me if I wanted to run down with her to Starbucks one morning and I said okay.  Oh how I regret that......

As you walk from the lobby of our tower towards the hallway to the next tower, you pass a couple of businesses, an elevator, etc.  As we were walking by the hair salon, this little old lady jumped out from behind a wall and scared us half to death.  "Excuse me," she said.  "I'm wondering if you two can help me?"  I assumed she was lost so I asked her how we could help.

I was not at all prepared for her answer.

Any sane person would have responded, "Sorry, Toots.  You're all on your own with that one.  Good luck to you."

I'm not sane.

She was about 80, dressed to the nines in her nice dress slacks, a silk blouse with a big bow tied at the neck, her hair was perfectly done up, her makeup was flawless, and she had on a wool blazer with patches on the elbows.  So I didn't expect this at all:

"I really need to go to the bathroom.  But my panties are stuck in my zipper.  I need you to help me get my pants undone."

Oh. My. Word.

I really just wanted a cup of coffee.  I didn't intend on helping an old lady with her underwear problem.  And I cannot tell y'all how much I detest the word "panties."  Also I detest the word "moist".  And if you ever say them together I will never speak to you again.

I thought about my own sweet little grandmother though, and if she had been in that predicament I would have wanted someone to help her too, so I looked at my co-worker and said, "Go ahead.  See what you can do."

She gave me an evil look, then stepped towards the little old lady and kind of hesitated until the lady said, "It's okay.  Stick your hands down there and see if you can pull my panties out.  They are really stuck."

My co-worker was unsuccessful at resolving her problem and stepped back as she said, "Beverly, I can't get them unstuck.  You try now."

Y'all, the very second I, um, stuck my hands down a stranger old lady's pants right in the middle of the lobby of my building before 9:30 a.m. and before I'd even had a cup of coffee she said this:

"Please hurry, I just peed on myself a little bit.  I really need to get out of these pants quickly."

Of course she peed herself at the very second I put my hands in her pants.  Of course! She had moist panties, y'all.  It was like my biggest and most disgusting fear was coming to fruition right in front of my eyes.  And incredibly close to my hands.

I pulled and tugged and thankfully I also avoided the old lady pee but could not get her undies unstuck.  She then got frantic.  And a little demanding if I'm being honest.

"Y'all, I REALLY have to go bad.  Cut them out.  I don't care what you do.  I HAVE GOT TO PEE NOW!!"

As I said before, we were standing in front of the hair salon in our building.  I ran in there and asked the owner if I could borrow a pair of scissors and explained I would be right outside his door.  He asked me what I needed them for.

"Um, I need to cut some very delicate fabric."

He handed them to me, I quickly went back out into the hall and stuck my hands down in an old lady's peed in pants for the second time that morning.  Which is not something I thought I'd ever be saying.  I cut her undies out of the zipper and she almost screamed with joy.

As I started walking back into the salon to return the scissors she said, "Oh girls.  Thank you so much.  I don't know what I would have done without you.  Can I please buy you a cup of coffee to show you my appreciation?"

"NO!" we both quickly said.  I really didn't want to go have a cup of coffee with a stranger after I'd had my hands down in her pants.  Twice.  With pee in them.  "We're good.  Hope the rest of your day is much better," I said.

We almost ran to Starbucks, went straight to the bathroom and scrubbed the living daylights out of our hands while we almost stopped breathing from laughing so hard.

My cousin's wife asks me to tell this story every year at our family reunion and she almost pees herself laughing every single time.  Luckily her undies don't get stuck in her zipper too.  But if they ever do I will say, "Sorry, Toots.  You are on your own."

If you ever have a little old lady peeing her pants and asking you to help her get her panties unstuck from her zipper, (and really, how will you all ever get through life without having that happen from time to time) only say yes if you also happen to be standing in front of a hair salon when it happens.  Don't say I never gave y'all some damned good advice.