Cake, silk flowers, cat food, security alarms. It's all in here. And more!

I'm going to try and get this post done right quick like because today is Cake Day in my office and if there's one day of the month we look forward to around here it's the first Wednesday of the month when the entire firm stampedes to the break room to try and fight over a piece of cake or a cupcake.  Seriously, it's like no one here has ever had the opportunity to taste cake before in our entire lives and we will stomp on people and throw elbows and all to get us a piece before it's gone.  So in 30 minutes I have to go get all Hulk Hogan on some people.  Which reminds me of a story in college when a pro wrestler (not Hulk Hogan) just about knocked me on my ass.  But no time to tell that one today.

Last night I had to run errands after work since I sat on my lazy butt for three whole days over the long holiday weekend listening to thump thump and ignoring the tall grass, dead flowers, and weeds in my yard.  My poor cat was starved because she had eaten all but the crumbs in her dish by the time I left for work yesterday morning so I had to go to Pet Supermarket because they carry this food called Katz-N-Flocken which, yes, is a weird cat food name, but someone told me it's the only brand that has never had a recall.  So now that I'm buying German cat food, they should probably have a recall any day now.  After that I had to go to Home Depot because I thought I'd try to fit in going to all of the interesting stores in Atlanta in one night.  How exciting am I buying Katz-N-Flocken and two different kinds of light bulbs after work in the same day?

Anyway, something has been going on with my purse for the past couple of weeks.  It sets off every single security system in every single store I go in.  I walk in and the alarms go off.  I walk out and the alarms go off.  Last night I went in the door of the Pet Supermarket and the alarm went off.  I went back outside and the alarm went off.  I entered through the garden entrance of Home Depot and the alarm went off.  I then went through the grills and had to go back out into the entrance area to get a buggy (I'm from the south and it's a buggy so shut up already) and the alarm went off.  I went back inside with my buggy and the alarm went off.  This has been happening everywhere for at least two weeks.  I've emptied my purse out completely and haven't found anything with any kind of security thingies on it so I'm perplexed why this suddenly started happening.

The shocking thing is, I have never once been stopped by a store employee.  They just look up from their register and wave me on my merry little way.  Last night I did the self-checkout at Home Depot because I can handle ringing up my own light bulbs and lawn bags.  I told the attendant that I was going to set off the alarms when I left and asked her if she wanted to look in my purse because I was really curious what would happen if I asked that.

Do you know what she said and did?

She said, "no, I'm sure you're not stealing anything.  In fact, I'll swipe your purse over one of our deactivators and see if that will stop it from happening."  And that's exactly what she did without looking in my purse to see if I was shoplifting a table saw.  Seriously, my bag is huge and I probably could have if I'd wanted to.

The lesson here is that I look entirely too innocent and wholesome to the cashiers of Atlanta and I need to get a tattoo and pierce my nipples or something.  I guess I'd then have to flash my nipples so maybe I'll pierce my eyebrow instead.

And I have no way to segue into this next thing so pretend these dots are really a fabulous segue from security alarms and cat food to how my dad was dating Martha Stewart:

...................

Anita asked to hear the story of how my dad dated Martha Stewart, so Imma tell you the story right now.

The first part of this story is not really something I'm proud to share with y'all, but it's what made this whole story so surprising about my dad.  And that is the fact that my dad had a tendency to be very uncomfortable around the LGBT community.

One day a friend of mine called me.  She was the first friend I made when we moved the summer before I started 7th grade.  She lived in my neighborhood and was out riding her bike and stopped by to meet the new kids who had moved in the house that her grandfather had built on the empty lot that all of the kids in the neighborhood had used to play football, soccer, etc. on for years and years.  Half of the neighbors were related to this friend - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. and my friend's dad and grandfather built most of the homes.  None of the kids were happy about a house being built on our lot, but she wanted to meet us.  We are both 45 now and are still in contact even though she lives about an hour and a half away so we don't see each other much.

Anyway, she called me one day about 4 or 5 years ago and barely said hello before she asked, "did you know your dad is dating my aunt?"

"Um.  No.  And which aunt by the way?"

"Aunt Martha."

"Oh.  Well, I don't know how to ask this in any sort of nice way, but is she the, you know, crazy one?" I asked my friend.

"Yes.  But she's on a lot of meds now and even my mom gets along with her these days."

Y'all.  One weekend when I was in middle school or high school, this aunt decided to park her car sideways across the street in front of her house so that no cars could pass through and she stayed out there all weekend long in her nightgown on the hood of her car.  I am not making that up.  And no one called the authorities because everyone knew she was harmless.  And because there were other ways in and out of the neighborhood.  But yes.  Just a little bit crazy.

And now my dad was apparently dating the nightgown wearing hood ornament of Snellville, Georgia.  Yes, y'all.  That's the real name of the place where I grew up.

I told my friend that my dad had not told me he was dating anyone, let alone her Aunt Martha and asked her how she found out.

She told me, "well, we were having a wedding shower for one of my cousins at Great Momma's house and the doorbell rang.  My mom opened the door and there was your dad and Skipper."

Skipper is Martha's son, he's 50-something, has never lived on his own, is a 100% momma's boy, doesn't even have a driver's license so his mom drives him to work, and always has himself a gay old time.  I've adored Skipper and his sister since the first moment I met them, but I was surprised to hear my dad would be going to a wedding shower with Skipper since I'd never actually known my dad to go to a wedding shower ever, much less with my good friend's gay cousin seeing as how he was a little uncomfortable in the company of members of the LGBT community.  Turns out Martha was bringing a bunch of the food and flowers to the shower and her car was too full to fit my dad and Skipper in as well and the shower was right down the street, so my dad drove Skipper and they arrived before Martha and that's how my friend's mom found them together standing at the front door ringing her bell.  So to speak.  And then Skipper informed the family that his mom and my dad were knocking boots.  I don't actually know if they did that, but they were going out in a romantic kind of way.

I figured I would just keep this information to myself and see if my dad would tell me eventually.

A couple of weeks after my friend informed me my dad was dating her aunt, I had to go to my dad's house for something.  And when I walked in the front door I almost passed out.  There were enough silk flower arrangements in that house that my dad could have opened his very own silk flower shop.  His living room alone had 9 arrangements.  There were silk flowers in the kitchen, in the bathrooms, every bedroom, etc.

So I said, "Um, dad?  It looks like you've gotten into silk flower arranging or something.  What's going on?"

And he said, "I love 'em!  Do you remember Skipper from down the street?  He's been coming over and helping me with them."  He never mentioned that he was dating Skipper's mom as well.

A few weeks later, my brother called and said, "Bev!  I'm calling to warn you that if dad calls, don't answer the phone.  He's looking for money."

I was with my mom at the time and had, in fact, ignored a call from my dad because my parents had been divorced for only a short time and my mom didn't want me talking to my dad while I was with her.

My brother went on to tell me that he had answered when my dad had called him and he told my brother he was dating a woman and her son was in jail.  "This lady thinks I have some money and I don't want her to know I really don't have much but she needs me to bail her son out of jail.  Can you loan me the money and I'll pay you back?"

My brother told me my dad said he was dating someone named Martha and I don't think my brother had a clue who Martha was.  But I knew.  The thing is, I will never believe Skipper was in jail for anything because he's the most docile and nicest guy in the world and I can't imagine he would ever do anything that someone would get arrested for.  But I also don't know of another son Martha has so to this day I don't know what to think.

My brother said he was going to loan my dad the money as a test to see if my dad would actually pay him back. 

A few weeks later I was at my dad's house and saw a couple of cards on his mantle.  I am nosy y'all.  So when he walked out of the room I ran over to see who they were from.  And they were both signed, "Love, Martha Stewart."  I had completely forgotten their last name was Stewart and I about cracked up. 

At some point a few months later my dad asked me to go back to his bedroom for some reason or another and when I walked in there I said, "wow, dad.  Nice bed!  Is that new?"

He told me he had helped a friend's son out with something and they didn't have the money to pay him back so they gave him a bed instead.

And because I'm a pain in the ass I asked, "is this someone you dated, dad?"

He said it was just a friend of his that needed help.  And he never told me he dated Martha Stewart.

But I knew.