If I got solitary confinement I might at least have some peace and quiet

I'm very happy to report in this Monday to tell y'all that nothing broke this weekend. Well, nothing expensive on my house broke.  I did break a few things though.

I broke my fingernail on my shoot-a-bird finger on my left hand all the way down into the quick and I don't even remember how I did it.  And then yesterday I looked down and my thumb nail was completely broken off on my left hand.  Apparently I broke it while simply sitting at a table talking to my neighbors and my older brother while I was watching pro football at a bar in Little Five Points.  I know......I don't even like football.  Yet I have agreed to go watch college football next weekend with them too.  (Texas A&M and Alabama.  Why?  I have no idea.  I could give a rat's butt about football or either one of those teams.  And I don't even drink.  So I don't like football or drinking - I'm as perplexed as y'all are why I'm going to spend two weekends in a row watching football.)

On Saturday I very nearly broke my back, my quads, and my ass.  I did yard work for almost 4 hours so I can barely walk today.  I am possibly the most out of shape person in all of America.  Remember last weekend when I was uber lazy and didn't do my yard work?  This weekend I mowed, picked up sticks and twigs in my yard because I have a stupid reel mower so a twig the size of a pencil eraser will completely jam it up, cleaned my front porch, blew leaves that are already falling, and then I started emptying out dead flowers and potting soil from containers and cutting back some of the dead stuff in my flower bed.  That's when I failed to notice the GIGANTIC spider web and GIGANTIC writing spider that had spun a web between the dead stalk of a gladiola which was honest to goodness almost 6 feet tall and a birdhouse hanging on the column on my front porch.  I started cutting the gladiola stalk and was suddenly coated in spider web and saw the spider which was as big as my head and in my giant tizzy I threw, I fell backwards and almost broke my ass right in my front yard.

Later that evening after I had taken an awesome shower and cleaned all of the dirt out of my ears, off my face, spider web out of my hair, etc., I was sitting on the porch drinking a big glass of sweet tea enjoying looking at how much better my porch and yard looked and I happened to glance over and saw that GIGANTIC writing spider hanging off of a thing on my front porch and he was eating a fat slimy bug.  Gross.  By Sunday morning when I sat on the porch drinking a cup of coffee, that thing had a whole new GIGANTIC web spun and attached to my porch again.  I guess he's my new neighbor.  He had written MMMMMMMMMMM or WWWWWWWWWWWWWW or ZZZZZZZZZZZZ in his web depending on which way you looked at it.

So yes, I broke two nails and broke my ass.  But Friday night was the high point of breaking stuff.  Friday is when I almost broke the law.

After I dealt with my garage door that had been broken by the top of my car, I didn't get to work until about 1:15.  Because I had worked through lunch one day and had worked a little bit late one night and had come in a little bit early another day, I only had to work 6 hours on Friday to get my hours in for the week.  I left the office at 7:15 and planned to stop at the grocery store on my way home.  I hate going to the grocery store on Saturday or Sunday so I usually go on the way home Friday night for my weekly stuff and then I cook some huge batch of something on Sunday, divide it up into individual portions, and then I just grab a container as I walk out the door each morning so I have my lunch and don't spend $897941341645 each week eating out.  And then by Friday, I can't stand to look at one more bite of whatever it was I made that week because I've eaten it for 5 days straight.  Then I go on Pinterest and find something to make for the next week.  I'm talking super easy stuff y'all.  I am not what one would call a gourmet cook.  I don't touch raw meat and recently had to Google how to hard boil eggs.

When I was leaving work, I ran into a friend/co-worker of mine in the parking deck and since our firm takes up 6 floors and she and I work on different floors, I don't see her too often so we stood there for about 30 minutes talking and catching up.  By the time I got to the store it was almost 8:00.  I was tired, the week had stressed me out between house repairs/finances, one of my bosses who I adore worked his last day at the firm on Friday, my fake kids have been stressing me out, a friend of mine I've known for over 30 years is watching her father pass away (he fell and broke his hip last weekend and then suffered a major stroke during the hip surgery and has never completely woken up and just got moved to hospice a few days ago), etc. and my mind was honestly on about a gazillion different things but was focused very little on grocery shopping.

I stumbled around the grocery store in a daze grabbing the stuff I needed and went to the check-out.  The cashier rang up my groceries, the bag boy bagged everything up, and then I said, "Thanks!  Y'all have a great weekend!" and off I walked.  I was almost to the door when I heard the cashier screaming across the store at me, "MA'AM!  CAN YOU PLEASE COME BACK HERE AND PAY FOR YOUR GROCERIES?"

Y'all!  I totally forgot to pay.  I almost shoplifted a week's worth of groceries!

I walked back with my head hanging in total shame.  The bag boy was about to pee himself he was laughing so hard, the lady in line behind me made a half laugh/half pfftt sound, and the cashier was simply glaring at me.  I apologized profusely but Ms. Cashier was not amused.

Therefore, I've set a lofty goal for myself.  My goal this week is to stay out of jail. 

And I leave you with this:

This reminds me, let's bring back Music Monday since I seem to be posting a little more regularly.  If y'all want to play along, this week's theme is jail!  The song(s) you submit must contain one of the following words in the song title:  jail, prison, cell, lockup, penitentiary, joint, slammer, or clink.  But Jailbreak by AC/DC is probably the winner already and I've already submitted it (although there is another jail song by a man in black that I know without a doubt someone will submit and that might tie me).

I will be here at my desk jamming out to more AC/DC songs today and trying to stay on the straight and narrow.