How to have a stupid afternoon/night in eleven easy steps

I had a really ridiculous and stupid afternoon and evening and I’ve broken it down into easy to follow steps if you’d like to have a stupid afternoon and evening too!

1. While you’re eating lunch in the break room with co-workers and they start asking if you saw on the news about a big mattress factory fire the day before and you say no, then start making jokes about how someone must have been smoking in bed and they look at you like you have 8 heads and a unicorn horn and say, “No, the fire was in some trailers behind the building and it was a factory, not a mattress in someone’s home.”  And you try to explain that it was just a joke about how people smoke in bed and start fires and they still look at you like you’re an idiot and keep saying, “No, it was at the mattress FACTORY” so you finally just mumble about how they have no sense of humor and sit with them in silence.
2. As you are putting a paper liner on the toilet seat in the women’s restroom, you should completely lose your balance for no explainable reason, and fling yourself very loudly into the wall and the door of the stall and alarm another person who happens to be quietly getting their pee on.
3. A few hours later, suddenly realize that you are apparently too dumb to look at a clock and discover you have been sitting at your desk working away and it is 25 minutes past quitting time and you are pretty much the only person at your end of the hall still at work.  And what you’ve been so busy working on isn’t even due for another six days and you can finish it in a matter of a few hours.
4. When you finally decide to leave the office after working late like a doofus, get on the elevator with the HOT new attorney who just started working at your firm and has his office on your floor.  As he tries to make small talk and introduce himself and says he has seen you walking around a lot but doesn’t know who you are, get so tongue tied because he is so HOT and his eyes are so piercingly beautiful that you can’t even say your name properly.  Did I mention he’s HOT?  He is also probably young enough to be your son, but who cares.  Because he's HOT. Tongue tying HOT.
5. Decide to stop at Best Buy on your way home to buy a cover for your new tablet computer thingie so that you don’t scratch it all up and ruin it.  When you walk in the front door, realize the Home Depot deactivator/scanner thing did not work and your purse is still setting off door alarms and the security guy at the door is giving you the stink eye.  Start babbling about how you went to Home Depot and they tried to scan your purse so it wouldn’t do that anymore, and how you’ve gone through your purse and can’t figure out what’s setting off alarms all across the land and ask the security guy to please not forget what you look like because you’re going to set off the alarm again when you leave.  AND KEEP BABBLING even when he says repeatedly, “Ma’am, it’s okay.  Don’t worry.” 
6. As you leave Best Buy, start babbling AGAIN to the poor security guy explaining that you are the one who set off the alarm when you came in and does he remember that because apparently you think he has no ability to remember something that happened less than 10 minutes ago, and explain you’re going to set it off when you walk out now and honest to Pete, why can’t you just shut up already?  He’s nodding okay.  Just shut up and leave.  So you leave and yes, you set off the alarms again.
7. Get a giant hankering for a Steak ‘n Shake Frisco Melt hamburger when you see a stupid billboard. 
8. Drive about 4 miles for a stupid, stupid fattening hamburger and fries which you have no business eating.  And do it in a lot of traffic so it takes you almost 45 minutes to get something that’s not even real food.
9. Get lost on your way home.  Seriously.  The Steak n’ Shake is at the corner of two major roads and you turn one way on one of them thinking you know exactly where the road comes out and another major road it’s going to connect with, but then realize you’ve apparently never been on that particular section of the major road even though you’ve lived in this city for all 45 years of your stupid life and get lost trying to drive home to eat your dumb hamburger that you don’t need.  And please don't use the GPS you have in your car because YOU WILL FREAKING FIGURE THIS OUT ON YOUR OWN.
10. Finally get on the right track and get home almost 45 minutes later and eat your dumb, cold hamburger and fries.  By then it’s time to take a shower and go to bed because you’ve had such a long and stupid night.
11. Wake up at 12:30 a.m. to pee.  Wake up at 3:00 a.m. to pee.  Get up at 4:30 a.m. to pee.  You don’t have to wake up to do it, because you have been awake reading since you woke up at 3:00 a.m. to pee but can’t sleep because you have too much on your mind which is the story of your life and realize you’ve been staying awake reading for half the night every single night for weeks which is how you have now read 15 books in only the past two and a half weeks and thank goodness for free books on Kindle.  Finally fall asleep again around 5:10 a.m.  Wake up at 5:40 a.m. to pee.  Curse self for drinking a medium Diet Coke with your dumb, cold hamburger and fries right before going to bed.  Doze back off finally around 6:15 a.m. since you don't have to get up until 7:00.  Wake up at 6:25 a.m. when your fake daughter drops something on the hardwood floors across the hall from you and it sounds like a bomb.  When you get up at 7:00 a.m., don't go in her room to check the floor to make sure it's not damaged because you don't even want to know.