I like to chat up criminals. I also really like music and men who kiss thousands of women. I'm kind of complicated.

Oh y'all, I almost forgot.  I said I was going to show y'all the dining room furniture I bought from the Southern California Smurf last weekend and it was delivered on Saturday.

The driver called me around 10:15 and said, "we're about 20 minutes from your house."

I said, "okay.  Make sure you have your license and insurance handy because the cops are at the corner of my street doing checks."  And he said something back to me and I realized he did not understand what in the heck I was trying to warn him about so I finally just told them to be careful and I'd see them in 20 minutes.

This is the second time they've done license checks at the corner by my house since I've moved in.  I told y'all I live in the 'hood.  The first time it happened, it was right after a guy attempted to kidnap one lady and actually did kidnap another lady less than a mile or two from my house.  The one he got was sitting on her porch around 2 a.m. minding her own business and he walked right up and snatched her and stuck her in his trunk.  She got the trunk open and jumped out of his moving car right up the street from me.  So I thought the police we're really searching cars looking for that dude but pretending it was a license check.

The week after the kidnapping, I was out at the street watering the flowers at my mailbox (HATE yardwork if I haven't mentioned it once or eleventy-million times) and a man walked by and was looking over his shoulder all suscpicious like.  And I said, "'sup homie?" because I'm trying to fit in like I belong in the 'hood.  Not really.  I actually just said a casual hello.  And do you know what he said back to me?

He said, "Hey!  Be careful.  I think that guy walking behind me is the guy the police are looking for that kidnapped that woman.  We have a sketch of the guy up where I work and it looks just like that guy walking this way."  And I said something eloquent such as, "oh carp."

And then the kidnapper dude walked by, looked me right in the eye and said...wait for it..."'sup?" but he didn't say "homie" at the end.

I acted all stupid and chatty and said, "Hey!  How are you?  Hope you're having a great day!" because I was hoping he didn't like happy, chatty girls.  That happy and chatty girls might bug him so he wouldn't ever come grab me off my porch because he didn't want me to get on his nerves chatting him up and being all cheerful.  I also thought it might be one of those rare times that it's actually a good thing I'm on the chubby side because he might also be thinking, "not only is she all happy and chatty, but I doubt I could drag her anywhere."

I had heard about the kidnapping but for whatever reason, I had not seen the police sketch of the guy.  So the next day I googled it and pulled up the sketch.  Y'all, I'm pretty sure it was him.  I may have chatted up a kidnapper.

Then the very next day a complete stranger rang my doorbell and asked me if I had heard about the apartment fire down the street a few months prior where a guy had gone in and out of the burning building several times and saved 5 kids but got burned up himself in the process.  I told him I had heard about it and he said, "I'm the guy who saved those kids."

Then he said his family lost everything, he was getting a check from the Red Cross within a couple of days, but he needed $5 so his son could go on a field trip with his class the next day to the Georgia Aquarium.  He offered to do anything I needed done for the $5 - he would sweep my porch, rake something, etc. So I asked, "Will you peel me a grape?  French me a fry?  Skin me a peach and save the fuzz for my pillow?  Cut me a rose and make my tea with the petals?"  I honestly had no idea if he was really the guy who saved 5 kids or if he was just using a tragedy to scam me, but I admired the fact that he offered to work for it and wasn't just asking for a handout so I gave him $5 but didn't ask him to do anything.  After I gave him the money, he pulled up his jeans leg and showed me all of the scars from the burns and I wished right then that I had even more to give him.

But......

I googled that story the next day and guess what?  HE STARTED THE FIRE HIMSELF.  His baby was crying, he put a lit cigarette down on the arm of the sofa to go check on the baby and burned his apartment down.  There were also photos of him so I knew it really was the guy who had come begging me for money.  I googled a little more and found out he's also been arrested for violating his parole.  And that he's on parole for being a thief.

So within 24 hours I possibly chatted up a kidnapper and I willingly gave money to a convicted thief.  And I never even left my property.  My talent at finding excitement is truly unbelievable, right?

OMG, all of this because I was telling y'all about the furniture delivery people calling me.  Did y'all forget about that?  Because I almost did.

They gave me a call to say they would be at my house within 20 minutes. 

10 minutes later, Bailey went to her litter box and took the most awful smelling dump of her 13 year life.  My whole house smelled.  It was truly horrid, y'all.  So I ran around spraying air fresheners and lighting candles and asking her if she had taken a newspaper or good book in with her.

Here is my new dining room table and chairs:

I told  y'all it was unique, right?  Here's a close up.  It's supposed to be reclaimed antique wood, but it's probably not and just made to look that way.  I'm a legal assistant, not an antiques expert, so I really have no idea.

It's kind of cool though, right?  I'm the kind of girl who chats up kidnappers and gives money to thieves so I'm definitely not the kind of girl who buys traditional furniture without green squares on it.

Should we do the song contest on Mondays?  Okay!  Let's do!  Here is your theme.....

Sadly, the world lost a game show legend on Saturday:  Richard Dawson passed away.  He was an actor, a game show host, comedian, and a kisser of thousands of women.  This week's songs must contain one or more of the following words in the title:  Richard, Dawson, acting (or act, actor, etc.), joke, game, show, kiss, family, or feud.  You can submit as many songs as you wish.  List the title of the song and the artist, and feel free to link to a video of it if you wish.

The winner will receive a DJ Scratching Pad for your cat.  Hope you have a cat!  Also, please remember I will never actually send you a prize.....